No Light

[valerie_vause]

Coins clinked as they were slid into the payphone by the side of the road. The phone cradled tightly against an ear as the ring echoed down the line. She wiped her eyes with the back of a hand. A frayed picture clutched in it, the corners faded and worn away from use. A single digit traced the woman’s face as the call got answered.

A cheerful, gruff voice responded. “Hello?”

“... Dad?” She sniffled. Cautious, tentative.

“Valerie?” The tone was shocked. A moment of stunned silence.

“Yeah, I really… I wanted to hear your voi-”

“What are you doing?” He cut her off, no more cheer carried down the line.

“I wanted to talk. We haven’t spoken sin-”

“And whose fault was that? Your own mother!” It was a bark of anger.

She recoiled, hot tears scalded her cheeks, voice meek as she whispered, “Daddy please… it’s the Holiday season and I, I really need y-”

“She’d still be here if it wasn’t for you. You’re own family! Now all I have is ashes.” The accusation pure venom.

“She…” The words stuck in her throat as she stared at the photograph. “She wasn’t mom anymore, you know that.”

“You did that to her! You couldn’t protect her, it’s your fault she’s gone.”

“Daddy please…” She choked on a sob. “Don’t say that, I tried! You know I tr-”

“It should have been you. That’s who they came for.” The cold tone was firm, resolute.

“I’m sorry! I miss her so much, everyday, and I miss-” The line went dead. “You.”

The call had been five hours ago after she’d left Brian’s apartment and it had gotten dark. Valerie had been walking for miles, she didn’t actually know where she was; hadn’t paid attention. It had seemed irrelevant. Twice she’d encountered vampires. One by itself that had practically landed on her before she turned it to dust. Then three later on. The fight had lasted a while, it gave her a reprieve of emotions, let her be hollow where the only pain she felt was physical. Now, she trudged through a run down area, derelict buildings loomed menacingly on either side, looking for more. The toe of her shoe hit an empty bottle and she reached over, picked it up. As if in a trance she clutched the neck and smashed it against the wall. Watched the way it split skin as she dragged it up her left arm. In the dark, blood looked like ink. If anything was near, they’d smell it, they’d come out to play.

“Come get me.” She whispered, leaving behind the smallest trail of drips as she walked. “I’m ready.”

[Thread Open To Anyone]

Comments

[st_clare]

Christmas had been bloody exhausting. Julianna was glad it was over.

Now that the shops were open at their usual hours again, she'd stepped out late to buy some groceries. This close to the end of the year, the days were very short.

She'd had to go to three different grocery stores because she couldn't find her favorite wine. She was willing to admit that she could be too particular, but there was nothing wrong with insisting on just the right bottle of wine. But when she tried to make her way back to her complex, she ended up in an unfamiliar neighborhood, and not a very good one, at that.

The BMW's headlights washed over old brick as the Watcher looked for a place to turn around. Next time she felt like being a wine snob, she would do so in the daylight. "Bugger, bugger, bugger..."

A lone figure was meandering down the crumbling sidewalk, and Julianna's quest for a spot to make a U turn paused when she realized it was a woman. A woman, alone in this neighborhood? The only reason the brakes didn't squeal was because it the vehicle was a new model. The Englishwoman rolled down the driver's side window.

"Hello?" Her voice was uncertain, largely due to her surroundings. She wasn't a coward, but she wasn't foolishly brave either. "Excuse me, are you all right?"

[valerie_vause]

Vaguely the sound of a car engine played over her senses, a quiet purr almost as tires crunched pieces of… God knows what that was scattered across the road. Though she lacked the curiosity to look as she continued walking. The broken bottle had been discarded after it had served it’s purpose. If anything the blonde blended in with exactly the kind of people you would expect to find in a place like this. Shirt torn in places, left sleeve rolled up, right one loosely off her shoulder due to the buttons missing from her previous tangle with the undead.

Dark fabric of her pants was really no better, scuffed at the knees, a patch of skin showing. Not that she realised, or would care even once she did. The back of her hand wiped a piece of tangled hair out of her vision, her mouth felt dry, but combined it all kept her going. Moving forward, if not blindly in her quest for a new destination. Somewhere. Anywhere.

Away.

The voice was what made her turn, expression at first blank, like she was looking through the car as if it didn’t exist. Then she focused. Recognized the woman inside, and promptly rolled her sleeve down to cover the self inflicted wound that was meant to draw out the nearest vampires. It did nothing to conceal it, after all, her shirt was white. Crimson soaked into it like a water to a sponge.

“Julianna, what are you doing here?” Even her surprise was subdued, but she pressed her arm against her side and waved casually with the other. “Oh I’m fine.” The response automatic. “Just out… Patrolling… Are you lost? I’m not good with directions yet for this area.”

[st_clare]

"Valerie?"

Julianna's tone had changed from uncertain to puzzled, and when the Slayer got closer, her puzzlement turned to concern. Good God, the blonde was a wreck. Hair mussed, clothes torn, but the worst thing was the look in her eyes. A look that was there-but-not-there. The car's headlights pierced the gloom, made up for the broken street lamps. No one else was in sight. The sleeve of Valerie's shirt was soaked through with red fluid. It had puddled a little in her hand due to her arm being pressed against her side.

"You're bleeding."

She didn't know how she sounded when she said it. It wasn't the first time she'd seen blood. In the field or out of it. She'd seen blood when Allison died. Arterial blood. So much of it... The Watcher shook the memory away. Gather your wits, St. Clare. Make yourself useful and help this girl.

She hesitantly opened the driver's side door, exited the vehicle. The motor was still running. "How many of them were there?"

[valerie_vause]

“Happy holidays.”

The phrase had been the first to enter her mind when she heard her name. Either that or it would have been ‘hi’ because her mind couldn’t quite come up with anything else. Filled with fog, hard to navigate but at least not buzzing loudly as if white noise were trying to emit from her brain. That could either be a step up, or down, depending on how you viewed it. Right now she preferred the fog, not quite numb but… Quiet. Perhaps her head was tired and couldn’t keep up with the demand of thoughts that had ran rampant through it.

Valerie actually paused to look at her arm, as if only really seeing the red stain as it seeped further along the fabric. Absently she brushed her palm against shirt, then her pants, to rid it of the liquid the way a child would smear paint or sauce. Without thought or care. The clothes were ruined anyway.

“It’s not very deep. Thought it would draw them out faster.” Valerie’s gaze turned back to the night briefly, then returned to the car. The Watcher now out of it, it took her a second to see that, then she found her again. “Guess nobody’s around.”

Compulsive honesty. When would she learn that lesson. Obviously not today. For all of her brains she could be quite dim at times. “One a few hours ago. Three about…” She raised her right arm to look at her wrist, no watch, just a ruined cuff and a mark where it belonged and let out a breath. “I don’t know, an hour or a half. I’m not sure.”

[st_clare]

I should have called, invited her over. Why didn't I get in touch with her?

Julianna shook her head at herself. This was no time for self-recrimination. Her doubts, as potent as they were, would not help her at the moment. They certainly wouldn't help Valerie.

"It looks deep enough." She couldn't really see the wound because of the way the Slayer had positioned her arm, but if she was bleeding that much it was more than a flesh wound. And had the blonde said she'd thought it would draw 'them' out faster? It was true the undead could smell blood, like sharks that walked on land. Julianna's stomach tightened with dread.

"No, it doesn't look as if anyone's around."

Now she was faced with a dilemma. If she tried to break through the apparent fugue state, Valerie could become hysterical, which would be even less productive. Had Elfleda paid another visit, done to her what she'd done to Julianna? The Englishwoman's well-cut mouth tightened,

"You're hurt." Her tone was gentle, without command. "I have a first aid kit in the car. May I see to your arm?"

[valerie_vause]

Shame or embarrassment would have been natural at being caught wandering around looking like a lunatic that had escaped the local asylum yet Valerie felt neither. There was a void. An emptiness that resounded from within and weighed everything else down. Could gravity work on the soul? Perhaps she had she lost it along the way. Could you lose it without dying, the same way you lost keys or money by simply misplacing it and then forgetting where you’d left it for later? Or could it float off by itself to leave you behind, too disgusted to remain, like Peter Pan’s shadow?

Valerie didn’t own a sewing kit.

“Oh.” Valerie pushed her sleeve back up to her elbow, her gaze traveled along the long gash, assessing it for the first time. Maybe it was deeper than she’d thought. Her eyes went back to Julianna and lingered, then back off into the darkness, not really looking for anything so much as acknowledging their surroundings. She belonged in the dark. To the night. They were familiar. Shadows were not friends but they offered a sense of… Belonging.

“Yes.” She said, belatedly as her gaze drifted back to Julianna, and she stepped closer, instinctively holding her arm out, palm up. Unsure what else to do with it. “Thank you.”

Either her eyelids were heavy or her eye’s were dry but blinking was somewhat uncomfortable. She did it anyway, then asked quietly, “Where do they go when they’re turned, the spirits? With so many Gods and monsters… Where do they go?”

[st_clare]

"I don't know. The lore says that when a human is turned into a vampire, their soul vanishes and a demon takes up residence in what's left. The physical body goes on, generally to wreak havoc until someone returns them to the earth as ashes. I suppose it depends on what you believe as to if the soul goes to heaven or hell."

Julianna's voice was still quiet and without urgency, but she was moving while she talked. She killed the BMW's motor and took the keys out of the ignition, The first aid box was in the trunk, along with the spare tire and two road flares. The Watcher took the kit out, then stepped around the vehicle's rear bumper to where the Slayer stood. A better option might have been to sit in the backseat and do this, but she didn't want to put the blonde in a confined space right now.

"Here. Let me see."

When the Slayer extended her arm, the older woman examined the cut critically. It didn't seem to be too deep, as Valerie had said, but it was definitely self-inflicted. Her brow creased with consternation. She didn't seem to have a knife on her person. What had she cut herself with?

"You did well to keep some pressure on it, even if it was just to conceal the injury," she said. A small bottle of antiseptic was removed from the box, held up for inspection.

"I'm going to clean it a bit, then bandage it as best I can. I'm afraid it's going to sting."

[valerie_vause]

Valerie listened to Julianna the way a church goer listened to a Priest, searching for something only it felt out of reach. No solutions, no definite, just countless possibilities that may or may not exist. She fell silent again, head bowed as if she could peek inside the earth's core as if hell would open up to give her a glimpse. Then upward to the sky, in search of heaven amongst the stars. She knew hell dimensions were real, so one without the other would be cruel. Life in general was cruel. In ways, it was just downright messy.

“I don’t know what I believe anymore.”

The words came out sounding lost though the blonde failed to register the tone. Simply stated it like it was nothing. It felt like nothing. She felt like nothing. Then she breathed in, shut her eyes. Julianna’s voice was… Calming. Soft. It didn’t quite penetrate the heavy feeling, it didn’t quite lessen it either but it gave her something to focus on. To listen to other than her own thoughts and it lulled her almost the way a snake charmer managed to quell serpents.

The next comment was a bit desultory as Valerie sighed, “Don’t be afraid. Nothing is out here, you have a car.”

The blonde watched as Julianna inspected the wound, held perfectly still so that she didn’t drip on her or the car, as if those two things were the most important things at that precise moment. “There was a bottle.” She said, then turned to look back as if searching for it. “I don’t know whose. Useful though. Sharp.” Germs apparently hadn’t crossed her mind, let alone how long it had probably been there, drained of whatever liquid had once filled it. If Julianna hadn’t been so gracious as to tend to the cut then she would have surely ended up with an infection. Quite possibly a serious one, despite her fast healing.

[st_clare]

Glass, then.Julianna just shook her head in silence. "Sharper edges are best for cutting," she said with irony in her voice. "It leaves a cleaner cut, which makes it easier to bandage."

She wiped the excess blood away with a soft cloth, then used the antiseptic as carefully as she could. The bleeding had slowed, the clotting process having started. Julianna recapped the bottle, set it aside on the roof of the car.

Large gauze pads and a wrap were produced, and the older woman placed one of the pads over the wound, applying gentle pressure. She felt the tension subside a bit when it didn't immediately soak through. Thank God for Slayer healing.

When the gauze was in place, she began to wrap it so it would remain in place while the wound closed. To keep out dirt. Every now and then, she would glance away from what her hands were doing to look at Valerie's face.

"Would you like to talk about it? Whatever it is that's happened?" Julianna was looking away again, focusing on taping things in place. Her tone indicated patience. It was only partially forced.

"It's not...her, is it? The one we spoke of?"

[valerie_vause]

The cleaning process did sting, and when it began to get wrapped up, it burned. Sensations that, in truth, mitigated some of the things she felt to more manageable levels and she let out a shaky breath. “Thank you.” Valerie whispered, head once again bowed as she watched everything Julianna did. Sometimes she missed something, her mind would wander, but she’d blink and it would all come into focus again.

“I buried her gift under a tree in a park. I’d have prefered if it was her, this is all on me.” Teeth worried the inside of her lip and she looked away, her posture seemed to worsen, as if she’d deflated further and was gradually sinking to the ground millimeter by millimeter. “Have you ever felt something so strongly in a moment that you believed was so true then later when you try to tell someone else you realise you might be wrong, but by then it’s too late? I’m not very good at navigating emotions.”

Her free hand raised to rub at her eye, irritating it more than anything else as she gazed into the shadows with a slight hitch of breath. “I’m very skilled at hurting the people I care for without intending too.”

Then she fell silent again, her mind drifted between what happened a few hours ago, and what happened a few years ago. Each painful, but one utterly catastrophic. “I told him I thought I might want to see a girl too, but when I said it I didn’t feel it the way I had earlier, so I suggested something foolish that I thought was what all men liked. I was way off with that so he thinks I’m a contradiction, and we had words because he suggested we slow down, be friends, I took it that he was breaking up with me and got defensive, I said I couldn’t just be around him as a friend, he got defensive, more word bombs were exchanged, and he broke it off. I can respect that.”

The blonde swallowed thickly, frowned down at her feet, and felt the tell tale sting of salt water as it began to blur her vision. “Then I tried calling my dad because… And he still after two years… He still hates me for what happened but I tried so hard and failed and it’s… It’s my duty to slay. She wasn’t…” She fought the ache, the build up, but couldn’t stop the lump in her throat. “She wasn’t her anymore…”

[st_clare]

She was trying to follow what Valerie was saying, to make it compute, but it was too disjointed. Apparently she and Brian had had some sort of fight, or at least she presumed it was Brian since Valerie had indicated that dating was new to her, and now they were no longer a fledgling couple. That made Julianna's compassion roll over and wake up. First love could be so difficult. And Valerie had mentioned that the lad was a bit sensitive. It seemed as if things had really gotten away from them.

But the next part, when the Slayer's voice changed in timbre, caused Julianna to stop fussing with the dressing she'd put on the wound. She looked at Valerie's expression, the way it seemed about to crumple at any moment, and she recognized the onset of tears. Her mouth opened, but no sound came out.

What should she do, if she should do anything? She lacked sentimentality most of the time, the romantic notions that other people seemed to handle with ease. Practicality was always something she tried to use as a watchword. With age, she'd become set in her ways. But when something hurt...when it truly hurt...

"If you want to tell me, I'm listening," Julianna told Valerie quietly. Around them, the silent neighborhood was a bizarre setting for this conversation. The Watcher's left hand crept out, touched the younger woman's shoulder. "Who wasn't herself?"

[valerie_vause]

Lips parted, a shaky breath was sucked in as heat washed across skin, an internal battle to pull herself together as images flashed in her mind. She felt sick. Valerie’s chest struggled to maintain an easy flow of oxygen and she couldn’t look at Julianna. Though when the woman reached for her, comforted her, a strangled sound was barely swallowed back down and she shook with the effort it took to keep it there.

“My mom.”

It left her as a ghost of a whisper and that was when tears began to fall silently. “I’d been late picking her up one night from the diner and by the time I got there they were already…” Valerie shut her eyes, clenched her teeth, and forced herself to try and breathe. It should have felt strange opening up to Julianna, sharing something she herself had tried to block out but it didn’t. Now that she’d started she had to continue.

“A group of them, in the parking lot, feeding on her. I tried to get her, I staked four but by then she… She looked like she was sleeping and the last one, he just… Laughed over her body and said, ’You should have been here earlier we’d have made a trade, your life for hers.’” Valerie’s face contorted, her fists balled up and she trembled with the surge of emotions that wracked her body. “I… I couldn’t leave her there and the cops, they’d be useless so I, I put her in the back of the car and drove her home but dad he… He wanted to talk to her to see if she was still there and I tried to tell him... A few hours later she’s awake in the garage and attacking us and I…”

The strangest keening sound built up like a kettle that a reached its boiling point and she sob, “I staked her.”

[st_clare]

"Dear God."

The words were spoken matter-of-factly, but Julianna was quietly horrified. Not that it was unheard of. Vampires could tell tales for years if they managed to kill a Slayer, riding a wave of glory for a literal eternity unless another girl came along and drove a stake into their chest. And if they couldn't get to the girl in question, they singled out the people she cared for and killed them instead.

"I can't imagine what that must have..." The Watcher cut herself off because it sounded like an empty platitude. But she really couldn't imagine it. Despite Mother's years of service to the Council, she'd lived a long, full life and died peacefully in her sleep. Father passed away six months later because he missed his wife. But Julianna's mind literally could grasp the horror of having to dispatch a parent, even when it was life or death for innocent people. Could she have done it if she'd been one of the chosen?

There was no answer to that, at least none that she liked.

"Valerie." The older woman's voice was still quiet, but now there was a thread of something undefinable underneath the gentleness. Compassion, empathy, a wish to give solace? All three simultaneously? She'd never been motherly in her life, but there had been moments when her urge to counsel and guide had pushed her emotions to the surface. This was one of those times. Damnation, now her throat was tightening up.

"Of course you couldn't leave her there. Even if it was...even if it was over. She was your mother, and you can hardly be blamed if you held out some tiny shred of hope that things would be different. That she'd remember she loved you. To see her as just like all the rest, that's...that's unfathomable."

The Watcher's other hand had alighted on Valerie's opposite shoulder, and the only thing preventing her from trying to hug the blonde was her dread that the Slayer would come completely apart at the gesture. She wasn't sure she'd be able to keep from crying herself at the sight of tears. The two of them must have made quite the picture.

"There's nothing I can say that will close the wound, not without sounding ridiculous. It'd be rich for me to tell someone how to put guilt aside. But you can and should take whatever solace you can in the knowledge that your mother is at peace now, body and soul. I'm sure her soul went to heaven."

[valerie_vause]

“It all happened so fast…”

The words were soft, as if Valerie were talking to herself instead of Julianna. Behind open eyes the ordeal replayed in her mind as if yesterday. The way her mother’s face, previously so loving and young looking, had contorted to something evil. Those bright yellow eyes delighted to find her, to find them both, hovering nearby. The blonde in grief and her father in complete denial. She’d sat up and stretched like she’d just been taking a nap, grinned at her and purred, ‘Hello sweetheart, am I glad to see you.’

Her father had been ecstatic, mistaking it as a sign of life when really, the malice was simply lost on him. Naturally he’d moved to reach his wife and Valerie had grabbed him by the arm, pulled him back. ‘No don’t!’ She’d pleaded, but he didn’t want to hear reason. Truth. Which made it easier for her mother to step closer, as if to embrace him, only she didn’t. One push with incredible strength sent him over his own work bench to clatter with his tools on the floor and left very little distance between her and the blonde.

‘Aren’t you going to say something? Not even a smile? I raised you better than that.’

Valerie ‘s stomach had lurched, the contents threatened to escape as she backed up, tripping over her own feet as if a little more space would help the situation. ‘You didn’t raise me at all. You’re not… You’re not...’ Sensing the hesitation, the creature had put up it’s human visage, actually frowned disapprovingly at her like she’d wounded it and sighed, ‘Of course I did, I’m your mother, Valerie.’

The first real sob wracked the blonde’s body, unable to stop it she’d bowed her head; penitent. The pain emanated from her had been like a drug to the vampire and she’d stalked closer, smiling. ‘I gave you life…’ One cold hand had grabbed her by the throat and pushed her backwards against the wall, clenching tightly to stop the flow of air. Yellow eyes back on display and blazing into her own as she hissed. ’Now I’m going to take it back.’ The snarl was the warning as it leaned in, fangs ready to puncture her neck and Valerie’s fingers had strained to grab the shard of wood on her fathers work bench. ’Goodbye, my little Slayer…’

The reaction had been obstinate. Pure instinct that took over and with sickening horror her eyes had widened and she’d discovered she’d plunged the wood through her mothers ribcage. The vampire had looked as shocked as she did. It’s parting words had stripped her of her sanity as she turned to ash before her eyes. ’Such a disappointment.’ Valerie just stood there, frozen, staring at the remains on the cold garage floor. It could have been seconds or minutes or hours, but she only snapped out of it when her father had scrambled up, broken as he scooped up the ashes in his hands like he could bring her back with his tears. ’Get out! Do you hear me? Don’t ever come back!’ And she had, numbly, without protest.

The sound of her name roused her from the memory and she blinked Julianna back into focus. The incident had paved the way for her own dedication to her calling like some sort of machine. Nobody deserved to know what it felt like to face a loved one like that. She was one of the few who could put a stop to it happening and she’d spent every night since then trying to do that. If anything the heartache of today would no doubt turn into the resolve she’d have tomorrow, pain could be the strangest motivator when it came to protecting others.

Right then, however, it was Julianna’s assurance that her mother’s soul was in heaven that evoked a shuddering sob. Valerie didn’t do well with grief, she didn’t do well with comfort either, possibly because some part of her didn’t believe she deserved it. So she kept her hands to herself and tried to quell the onslaught of tears as she offered a watery smile and choked out, “I r-really hope you’re right about that. That she’s in...”

The alternative was too bleak to even consider.

“You’re a good person.” She sniffled and brought up a hand to wipe her face, “I’m sorry you had to see me like this, I’m not usually…” She cringed, took in a stuttered breath, “So full of temerity.”

[st_clare]

"Shush. You've done nothing that warrants an apology. I'm not going to tell on you."

Julianna didn't have a tissue in her pocket, so she leaned into the car and found a box of Kleenex in the glove compartment. She handed the cardboard container to Valerie without quite making eye contact, giving the blonde time to compose herself. Across the street, a street lamp feebly flickered on and off. The neighborhood no longer worried the Watcher.

"For so long, I believed that Slayers should be separate," she said, still studying the struggling glow of the lamp post. "Different, apart from the rest of the world. I knew that girls died, and I came to terms with it because in the field anything can happen. Then Allison died, and now I don't know what I believe. It's good, necessary work the Council does. Vital work. But I don't know if I can reconcile the cost now."

Even as she said it, she was terrified. She considered being a Watcher not just a career but a calling, the purpose she was meant to serve. She had other things in her life, of course, things she enjoyed, but serving the Council was different. Julianna looked at Valerie out of the corner of her eye.

"It's probably terribly arrogant of me, but I reached out to you because I believe I can still be good for something. And I see the good in you, the wonderful things you're capable of. Even without Slaying."

She was looking away again, studying the dilapidated buildings around them. She knew how it felt to feel responsible for something terrible, even when it wasn't logical. Emotions were cruel beasts.

"Put your mother to rest, Valerie. Don't be like me, clinging to the past because you don't know if you can function without the guilt. Forgive yourself."

[valerie_vause]

“Thank you, Julianna.”

It went beyond the acceptance of the tissues. Even the slight distance the woman gave her was appreciated, seen for what it was. The chance to pull herself together without adding the worry of humiliating herself further into the mix. Subtle, yet powerful. Valerie doubted there were many Watcher’s out there like the woman and for a moment it struck her how better off they would all probably be if there were. Small things said or done at the right time had the potential to shape things in such a larger way. Like watering an acorn. She wiped her face and blew her nose before handing the box back with a tentative smile as she listened.

“Maybe we should.” The blonde replied softly, careful not make light of the death of a girl. A girl whose very death had brought about her own calling. For a second she fell silent, mourning someone she didn’t know and would never have had the opportunity to meet, despite their fates being linked. “I believe in the work we do. Very much, but trying to fit in… Out there?” She waved a hand dismissively towards the empty street. “I tried and failed spectacularly. Maybe it’s just me, I don’t really think I belong, you know, to mingle and have people in my life. I don’t really understand how to function emotionally in that sort of environment after years of being apart from it. Not really equipped to deal with feelings but point me in the direction of demons and carnage and I’m like a duck to water.”

Valerie glanced at Julianna and pressed her lips together before looking off into the night. Perhaps shock at the elders words evoked the sudden scoff but she reddened and cleared her throat, desperate to explain. “Nothing you said was funny and you aren’t arrogant for reaching out, I’m actually quite grateful that you did. More than I think I imagined I ever would be.” The blonde actually smiled, small but genuine. “But the idea that I could be capable of anything wonderful is, I don’t know, over my head I guess. Not amusing just… Odd.”

Julianna’s next words were hard to swallow because of the truth they held. They weighed down on her until they eventually sunk in and the blonde gave them a moment to resonate within her. “I’d buried it, somewhere inside me where I couldn’t touch it. Where it couldn’t touch me. Calling my father had been a mistake, a foible, but that’s natural, reaching for a parent in a moment of pain. It dragged it all back to the surface.”

Now she found herself reaching out, clasping her hand around Julianna’s upper arm to give a gentle squeeze. Hopefully it granted some comfort, it had been the intention, because the woman didn’t have to share those things with her and now that she had Valerie wanted to mitigate the pain caused. She attempted to meet the woman’s gaze as she breathed softly.

“Forgiveness is easier when it’s directed towards other people. Maybe we should both try to learn to forgive ourselves, because while the past can’t be changed it shapes us, but maybe we don’t need to let it dominate us too.”

The smile she gave was tentative as she took her hand back. She knew it was easier said than done.

[st_clare]

It was like catharsis, just talking about it. As with Valerie's arm, she was trying to clean the wound so she could bandage it and let it heal properly. Seven years could feel like a very long time, even at her age. Julianna inclined her head a fraction at the touch of Valerie's hand.

"I do applaud you for trying to change the way you were doing things," she said once the hand had stopped making contact. "It's not just your situation that requires bravery, it's life itself. Being disappointed because things don't work out the way they should have can slow anyone up, but regret at not even trying is a heavier burden."

The dread had subsided, turned into something a little more positive. The Watcher scratched a spot on her upper arm absently. Somewhere in the gloom, a stray dog nosed open a discarded pizza box and found a crust left over from someone's dinner.

"As for Brian..."

Julianna made a diplomatic noise. She wasn't going to excoriate the musician because it wasn't her place, and it sounded as if his sensitivity had triggered Valerie's uncertainty about having a life outside of Slaying, but she'd had a fair amount of experience with relationships with the opposite sex. The older woman smiled ruefully.

"Men's feelings can be surprisingly delicate, much more than most women would think.I don't know what happened because I wasn't there. Sometimes people feed off of each other when they're upset. You say one thing, he says another, and the next thing you know the neighbors are banging on the wall because of all the yelling."

She tried for humor when she said it, even risking a smile, but her expression was kind. "I spoke with him recently, and he specifically said that he 'hopes he's good for you'. I can't speak to your desire to possibly see a girl as well. You should be allowed to explore whatever feelings you have. Sometimes people react badly to the idea of a non-exclusive relationship."

Twenty years ago, she probably wouldn't have given the same answer. She'd only become truly liberal about sex and love once she was past middle age, the reverse of what might have been expected. She might only be able to counsel Valerie to a point regarding the subject since she'd never experimented with other women herself, but Valerie's feelings were clearly more unpredictable.

"It might not be too late. As you said, you respect the decision he made. But if he made it when he was hurt and angry, perhaps he'll change his mind once he calms down."

[valerie_vause]

The smile on her lips changed to an uncomfortable cringe at the compliment for trying to take steps she’d otherwise been resistant to grasp at previously. Truth be told she was embarrassed, mostly because she’d torched it quite brilliantly without much thought. Physical strength she had learned to control over time, emotional was a whole new ball game, disastrous really. It wasn’t that she couldn’t feel; it was when she did feel something it had the potential to consume logic. For someone who strived to keep her wits about her it was disconcerting to be out of her depths on such a level. Frustrating beyond belief, actually. Control was a way of life, she couldn’t control emotions, she couldn’t comprehend how to manage them at a functioning level the way everyone else apparently did with ease.

“I could be emotionally deficient. With a heavy dose of taking things too literally.”

Valerie shook her head, chewed on her lower lip and let out a slow breath as she listened to Julianna. Really listened because when it came to feelings, she clearly needed all the help she could get at understanding how to handle herself in such murky waters. “Oh, we set each other off.” The corners of the blonde’s lips twitched slightly. “I actually swore, nobody’s ever gotten that reaction before.”

On the surface that was bound to sound silly but it was only now that Valerie really thought about it. Certain parts of her might even appreciate it, not because she hurt him, but that he’d gotten under her skin enough to the point where she lost her senses. No, she wasn’t proud of it, nor did she want to repeat the performance. The fact that it happened though was a bit of an eye opener.

“We gave as good as we got, as far as verbal battles go, neither of us escaped unscathed and I’m not proud of that at all but in the heat of the moment I lost myself more than I’d like to admit.”

The blonde raised a hand to rub her face, took a moment to try and gather her thoughts as she frowned down at her feet like a child unsure of how to proceed as Julianna spoke. She’d taken a moment to look at him before leaving, trying to memories his features, taking stock of how how much she’d hurt him and the fight had drained from her. She didn’t want to hurt him further. She didn’t want to hurt him, period, but she had. Emotions were deadly.

“I think my problem is that… Before I met Brian, I’d accepted that I’d inevitably die young. I didn’t feel like I was missing out on much, I didn’t really care either truth be told because up until then my emotions never really… Engaged. They had no reason to really. Then all of a sudden I’m feeling things and I realise I’m never going to get to experience a full life. I’m never going to reach a stage where I wake up and look in the mirror and see a wrinkle on my face. I’m never going to have children, a wedding, a home filled with pets and friends and I… Panicked.”

Fingers gripped and twisted each other as Valerie shrugged, offering an almost sad smile before her gaze found her feet again and she let out a slight huff of breath.

“I never wanted to cause him pain. He’s kind and smart and deep and special…” Valerie smiled unwittingly then frowned. “And intense, and emotions are… Scary. I mean I’ve had them my whole life but once I was called I tampered them down, blocked them off and over time that was easy. That was normal. Then all of a sudden I’m feeling my time running out like death is following me with a stopwatch and I thought the best thing to do would be to force a lifetime of things I’d never get into as much time as I can manage before mine runs out.”

Valerie gazed at Julianna thoughtfully. After a second she gave a wry grin and almost laughed as she admitted, “I realise now that’s not the best plan of action. I’m not meant to experience a full life’s worth of experiences, trying is insane. I had to be honest, even if I was wrong, which you know, clearly I was and if I could take it back I would but I’m not going to force my insanity on him. He’s a good person, he deserves better than me. Someone he can have a proper life with, someone who can give him a long and full life filled with family and grandchildren.”

[st_clare]

Julianna was just listening, but the fatalism in Valerie's words had her dismayed. Was it that sense of hopelessness in the blonde that had caused Elfleda to approach her. If she'd been burying the memories about her mother's death, a being like the Corruptress would find her a perfect target. The Watcher's spine stiffened. She must be very careful now.

"I was almost engaged once," she told the Slayer, holding up her ringless left hand for inspection. "It was years ago, when I was much younger. His name was Edmund, and we met when we were at university. We became heavily involved, and for a time we were positively mad for one another."

She was smiling with fondness as she spoke, the old memory a respite from the coldness of the previous topic. Her other hand rubbed the back of her beck. Her fingers pulled lightly at the ends of her hair.

"As ridiculous as it sounds, no one was more surprised than I was when he proposed. We'd never spoken of marriage, even though it was the accepted thing at the time. People did not live together outside of wedlock in my day, not if you didn't want to be considered beneath contempt. It's one change about the world I'm happy with."

She looked at Valerie, meeting her eyes deliberately. It was always best to be frank. "He gave me some time to think it over, and I finally told him that while I loved him and loved our relationship the way it was, I was never going to be anyone's wife. I didn't want a husband or children and I'd made that decision before we met. But I never told him because I didn't think I'd ever need to."

Julianna smile dimmed, and she looked down at her hands to inspect the backs of them. "I was sorry that I'd hurt him. I told him that if the way things were wasn't enough for him then I'd understand. He took the ring back and we never spoke of it again. In fact, we hardly spoke at all for the next six months after that."

Julianna lifted her shoulders in an elegant shrug. "Edmund married someone else. I bought a gift and attended his wedding. I was sorry to lose what we'd had, but I knew that if he waited for me to change my mind he'd be hanging onto false hope. I didn't want to do that to him."

A long sigh escaped the Watcher's mouth. "We still...well...certain aspects of the relationship resumed once he was no longer married, and we work together when we can. I regret the pain I caused him all those years ago, but I wouldn't have subjected him to a lifetime of unhappiness because I married him when I didn't want to."

Julianna was watching Valerie's face now, and she iifted one hand. "However. I didn't say no to his proposal because I was afraid of the future. I was certain that I would have a good, long life the way Mother did. Being positive is what keeps us alive."

She let that sink in for a moment, then hesitantly touched the Slayer's shoulder. "If you're afraid, that's understandable. No one can predict what will happen, not really. But don't give up on living just yet. Not for Brian, but for yourself. Nothing's over yet, Valerie."

[valerie_vause]

Julianna’s words were both comforting and haunting. Sadness that she hadn’t expected crept into Valerie’s body and left it cold and stiff as she cleared her throat and continued to listen. In some ways she completely understood where the Watcher was coming from and honestly, admired the strength it took to hold onto the values she believed in. The other part of the blonde however, struggled with it the way she struggled with her own desires and though she loathed to accept it a few, silent, tears slipped down her cheek as she huffed out a breath.

“I know you’ll probably judge me for this but I…”

Where did she start? Brian. Everything started with him. How fitting that she believed it would end there too. Whether she liked to admit it or not she couldn’t deny the pang, the tug, of emotion that seared through her body just at the thought of him. Valerie would have rather died than admit how deeply it hurt to know she’d caused him heartache but she couldn’t hide it. Written all over her features like an open book for Julianna to read even if she’d blocked it intentionally from him.

“Brian made me want… More.”

She laughed then, the sound bitter and distraught to her own ears as she balled her fists and stuffed them into her pants pockets out of the way.

“Honestly it scared the fu-uh, hell, out of me because…” Valerie avoided the woman’s gaze, humiliated to even admit that she had the fantasy at all. “Because we live practically in Las Vegas where anyone and everyone could just get married at the drop of a hat and I…” She sighed, looked into the shadows for some sort of comfort and found nothing but darkness that she tried to pretend didn’t reflect her own being.

“I could get lost, so easily in the idea of being normal with him. He… I…” Valerie’s expression turned pained for entirely different reasons and she swallowed the lump in her throat. Julianna had witnessed the worst of her so far but could she grasp the rest?

The blonde didn’t want to hide behind her facade as she wet her lips and whispered quietly as she gazed at her own feet, “I let myself fantasize about being with him. Properly being with him, belonging to him… The house, the car, the children… And I know I can’t have that but with him I…” Choked laughter escaped and she gave Julianna a soft, pained look as she shrugged. “I wanted that more than I wanted to experience anything else but I can’t just tell him because it’s cruel. I can’t give him that no matter how much I want it to happen and saying so would just be horrible.”

Valerie brought both hands up to rub across her face before delving into her hair to tug.

“I know how foolish that is. How utterly stupid but, there were these moments when it made more sense than… Than anything else and I wish I could give him every part of me, but that would require him wanting me for all I am, flaws and all and since he doesn’t I… I have no right to want, to expect, another chance after destroying the first one.”

She sighed then, eyes burning with unshed tears as she tried to laugh. “Fate’s a bitch, but I wouldn’t give up my calling for anything in the world. Protecting people, I can do that, but letting them into my heart? Hurts more than I could ever manage. I still want to keep him safe, that will never change. Even if he thinks I have.”

[st_clare]

And it was difficult not to make a snap judgment, but at the same time Julianna was just a little jealous. Mother had kept her close in her early youth; not unnaturally so, but close enough that her social life was carefully monitored and her friends, with few exceptions, were cherry-picked. Her first taste of real freedom happened when she left home to attend university, which was where she discovered physicality and the feelings that could be attached to it.

But as passionate as she'd been for Edmund, as ardent as the men she'd shared herself with since that time had found her, she'd never in her life fallen head over heels in love. There was always a small part of herself that she kept hidden, protected. That was why it had taken her such a short time to turn down the first and only proposal she'd gotten. She couldn't even say she'd 'come to her senses' when her mind had been made up before that. When he'd retreated from her, not just as her lover but as her friend, she'd wondered at her lack of missing him. She hadn't been unhappy when he married someone else, nor did she pine while they were apart. Yes, she'd been elated when he returned to her once his marriage was over, but in the interim? The occasional pang, nothing more.

But what Valerie was feeling...that was much different. Could she say she didn't envy it just a touch? No, not if she wanted to be honest. Not that she wanted to trade places, per se, but that small slice of envy was still there.

"You love him."

She said it without rancor and without condescension. "Or if it isn't love, then it's within shouting distance. You can say it, it's all right. We'll behave as if this never happened later if that's what you want. I'm English, I'm proficient at observing the proprieties and ignoring subtext. If it makes it easier, you may pretend that we just met."

She handed the box of Kleenex back to Valerie with a kind expression on her face. "I'm going to presume you didn't tell him everything you just told me. When you're having a row with someone, that's no time for letting them see the chinks in your armor. That only makes things worse."

Again, she lifted her hand. "I'm not saying you were wrong to keep it from him if that's what you did. He behaved rashly when he took whatever you said so personally, and it's possible that he even logically knew that you weren't trying to hurt his feelings or slight his ego. Unfortunately, as I said, logic rather goes out the window in the middle of a fight."

Julianna was loath to ask the next question, both because she didn't want to embarrass Valerie and because she wasn't the blonde's mother, God rest her soul. She was barely even the Slayer's Watcher. But she could provide reliable guidance in most areas, and she'd be foolish not to attempt to do so.

"Has there been...intimacy?"

The Englishwoman lifted her palm. She was beginning to feel like a policeman directing traffic. "I know it's none of my business, and I won't blame you if you snap at me, but I remember what it was like to be your age. That's why I've always wondered whose bloody brilliant idea it was to have adolescent girls be called as Slayers."