No Light

[valerie_vause]

Coins clinked as they were slid into the payphone by the side of the road. The phone cradled tightly against an ear as the ring echoed down the line. She wiped her eyes with the back of a hand. A frayed picture clutched in it, the corners faded and worn away from use. A single digit traced the woman’s face as the call got answered.

A cheerful, gruff voice responded. “Hello?”

“... Dad?” She sniffled. Cautious, tentative.

“Valerie?” The tone was shocked. A moment of stunned silence.

“Yeah, I really… I wanted to hear your voi-”

“What are you doing?” He cut her off, no more cheer carried down the line.

“I wanted to talk. We haven’t spoken sin-”

“And whose fault was that? Your own mother!” It was a bark of anger.

She recoiled, hot tears scalded her cheeks, voice meek as she whispered, “Daddy please… it’s the Holiday season and I, I really need y-”

“She’d still be here if it wasn’t for you. You’re own family! Now all I have is ashes.” The accusation pure venom.

“She…” The words stuck in her throat as she stared at the photograph. “She wasn’t mom anymore, you know that.”

“You did that to her! You couldn’t protect her, it’s your fault she’s gone.”

“Daddy please…” She choked on a sob. “Don’t say that, I tried! You know I tr-”

“It should have been you. That’s who they came for.” The cold tone was firm, resolute.

“I’m sorry! I miss her so much, everyday, and I miss-” The line went dead. “You.”

The call had been five hours ago after she’d left Brian’s apartment and it had gotten dark. Valerie had been walking for miles, she didn’t actually know where she was; hadn’t paid attention. It had seemed irrelevant. Twice she’d encountered vampires. One by itself that had practically landed on her before she turned it to dust. Then three later on. The fight had lasted a while, it gave her a reprieve of emotions, let her be hollow where the only pain she felt was physical. Now, she trudged through a run down area, derelict buildings loomed menacingly on either side, looking for more. The toe of her shoe hit an empty bottle and she reached over, picked it up. As if in a trance she clutched the neck and smashed it against the wall. Watched the way it split skin as she dragged it up her left arm. In the dark, blood looked like ink. If anything was near, they’d smell it, they’d come out to play.

“Come get me.” She whispered, leaving behind the smallest trail of drips as she walked. “I’m ready.”

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[valerie_vause]

Julianna’s words were both comforting and haunting. Sadness that she hadn’t expected crept into Valerie’s body and left it cold and stiff as she cleared her throat and continued to listen. In some ways she completely understood where the Watcher was coming from and honestly, admired the strength it took to hold onto the values she believed in. The other part of the blonde however, struggled with it the way she struggled with her own desires and though she loathed to accept it a few, silent, tears slipped down her cheek as she huffed out a breath.

“I know you’ll probably judge me for this but I…”

Where did she start? Brian. Everything started with him. How fitting that she believed it would end there too. Whether she liked to admit it or not she couldn’t deny the pang, the tug, of emotion that seared through her body just at the thought of him. Valerie would have rather died than admit how deeply it hurt to know she’d caused him heartache but she couldn’t hide it. Written all over her features like an open book for Julianna to read even if she’d blocked it intentionally from him.

“Brian made me want… More.”

She laughed then, the sound bitter and distraught to her own ears as she balled her fists and stuffed them into her pants pockets out of the way.

“Honestly it scared the fu-uh, hell, out of me because…” Valerie avoided the woman’s gaze, humiliated to even admit that she had the fantasy at all. “Because we live practically in Las Vegas where anyone and everyone could just get married at the drop of a hat and I…” She sighed, looked into the shadows for some sort of comfort and found nothing but darkness that she tried to pretend didn’t reflect her own being.

“I could get lost, so easily in the idea of being normal with him. He… I…” Valerie’s expression turned pained for entirely different reasons and she swallowed the lump in her throat. Julianna had witnessed the worst of her so far but could she grasp the rest?

The blonde didn’t want to hide behind her facade as she wet her lips and whispered quietly as she gazed at her own feet, “I let myself fantasize about being with him. Properly being with him, belonging to him… The house, the car, the children… And I know I can’t have that but with him I…” Choked laughter escaped and she gave Julianna a soft, pained look as she shrugged. “I wanted that more than I wanted to experience anything else but I can’t just tell him because it’s cruel. I can’t give him that no matter how much I want it to happen and saying so would just be horrible.”

Valerie brought both hands up to rub across her face before delving into her hair to tug.

“I know how foolish that is. How utterly stupid but, there were these moments when it made more sense than… Than anything else and I wish I could give him every part of me, but that would require him wanting me for all I am, flaws and all and since he doesn’t I… I have no right to want, to expect, another chance after destroying the first one.”

She sighed then, eyes burning with unshed tears as she tried to laugh. “Fate’s a bitch, but I wouldn’t give up my calling for anything in the world. Protecting people, I can do that, but letting them into my heart? Hurts more than I could ever manage. I still want to keep him safe, that will never change. Even if he thinks I have.”

[st_clare]

And it was difficult not to make a snap judgment, but at the same time Julianna was just a little jealous. Mother had kept her close in her early youth; not unnaturally so, but close enough that her social life was carefully monitored and her friends, with few exceptions, were cherry-picked. Her first taste of real freedom happened when she left home to attend university, which was where she discovered physicality and the feelings that could be attached to it.

But as passionate as she'd been for Edmund, as ardent as the men she'd shared herself with since that time had found her, she'd never in her life fallen head over heels in love. There was always a small part of herself that she kept hidden, protected. That was why it had taken her such a short time to turn down the first and only proposal she'd gotten. She couldn't even say she'd 'come to her senses' when her mind had been made up before that. When he'd retreated from her, not just as her lover but as her friend, she'd wondered at her lack of missing him. She hadn't been unhappy when he married someone else, nor did she pine while they were apart. Yes, she'd been elated when he returned to her once his marriage was over, but in the interim? The occasional pang, nothing more.

But what Valerie was feeling...that was much different. Could she say she didn't envy it just a touch? No, not if she wanted to be honest. Not that she wanted to trade places, per se, but that small slice of envy was still there.

"You love him."

She said it without rancor and without condescension. "Or if it isn't love, then it's within shouting distance. You can say it, it's all right. We'll behave as if this never happened later if that's what you want. I'm English, I'm proficient at observing the proprieties and ignoring subtext. If it makes it easier, you may pretend that we just met."

She handed the box of Kleenex back to Valerie with a kind expression on her face. "I'm going to presume you didn't tell him everything you just told me. When you're having a row with someone, that's no time for letting them see the chinks in your armor. That only makes things worse."

Again, she lifted her hand. "I'm not saying you were wrong to keep it from him if that's what you did. He behaved rashly when he took whatever you said so personally, and it's possible that he even logically knew that you weren't trying to hurt his feelings or slight his ego. Unfortunately, as I said, logic rather goes out the window in the middle of a fight."

Julianna was loath to ask the next question, both because she didn't want to embarrass Valerie and because she wasn't the blonde's mother, God rest her soul. She was barely even the Slayer's Watcher. But she could provide reliable guidance in most areas, and she'd be foolish not to attempt to do so.

"Has there been...intimacy?"

The Englishwoman lifted her palm. She was beginning to feel like a policeman directing traffic. "I know it's none of my business, and I won't blame you if you snap at me, but I remember what it was like to be your age. That's why I've always wondered whose bloody brilliant idea it was to have adolescent girls be called as Slayers."