Any Other Way

[valerie_vause]

After leaving the bathroom to see that Madeleine had already gone Valerie let out a sigh and left too. It wasn’t until she’d walked three blocks that she realised her feet were instinctively taking her to Brian’s place. The conversation should have happened with him first, but the brunette had asked the questions and she hadn’t been prepared to lie. They were choices both of them had made. Though she wasn’t ashamed of how she felt she understood the importance of sharing it. Not doing so would feel like a lie in and of itself. Whatever Brian thought of her, she hoped it would never be as a liar.

It wasn’t until she reached to knock on his door that she realised her hands were shaking. Societies views were as much a cage to her free will as the Council was to her life. The idea would be more than frowned upon despite the radical changes that had occurred over the past decade and truth be told she was afraid. Afraid of the way he’d look at her like she’d turned into some sort of monster. Afraid that being honest would ruin everything. That she’d lose him before actually having him. Properly having him but then, she feared his intensity too. How could she live up to his expectations? She wasn’t perfect, she wished she was, sometimes, for him. Normal just wasn’t a word that would ever be used to describe her, in any sense of her life.

Valerie knocked on the door before the urge to contemplate how much money she had in the bank sent her fleeing to another country to escape the situation. She didn’t want to hurt him. She wanted more than anything to protect him, but she had to be honest. He deserved that.

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[valerie_vause]

Valerie stood there for a second as he walked off. His words were like a slap in the face and it took a moment for the impact to really explode. Then a surge went through her and she followed him to his bedroom.

“I came here to be honest about what I thought I wanted, which was options. I mentioned the compromise to show you I wasn’t trying to exclude you. I discovered that I didn’t actually want them especially not at your expense. I try to convey how I feel and you throw it in my face that I’m clinging to you like some sort of life raft! Because how could I possibly have real feelings after having a moment of deep curiosity. Well I’m human! Mostly, and I fuck up! Like everyone else does. I could stand here and say I’m sorry until I turn blue but it wouldn’t make a difference to you because.... ”

The blonde wasn’t one for swearing. She wasn’t one for all out arguments either but things changed. Love was a disease, it rotted the mind, it took over common sense.

“Because you actually think that because I had an urge that it… It undermines everything I feel for you. Which is bullshit! I wouldn’t have shed a single tear over the fact that my own stupid fucking thoughts hurt you. You think I wanted to have that feeling? Because I didn’t! I’d rather get lobotomised than hurt you! In fact we both know a vampire who gladly would.”

Her hands were clenched, she felt her nails pierce the skin but she couldn’t move. She just stood there, shaking.

“Yes it occurred to me that you might need time but you passed it off like I needed it and it felt like... Like that was your polite way of dumping me then saying hey lets be friends! News flash Brian, your needs matter to me. Am I great at picking up on them? Probably not, but you stand there and accuse me of not caring about you like I’m some sort of heartless bitch that only cares about herself. Well screw your passive aggressive hostility! I have a heart! And it’s real and it’s big and it’s stupid because it has your name written all over it!”

[brian_campo]

He shook his head. Standing in the middle of his bedroom – a place he’d imagined taking her a hundred-thousand times – he was struck now by how awful this felt. How wrong it felt, like salt being rubbed in an open wound. Brian didn’t know how to back out and gain perspective, or how to feel, or what to say. He knew one thing: how hard he’d been trying to stay calm and be kind to her, and how it was now blowing up in his face.

“You—” He pointed at her. “You are full of contradictions! Less than an hour ago, you wanted me and a girl, then you wanted me plus a girl, now you just want me… so I offer you a chance to take time out and sort through your sexuality, and it’s some kind of sin. Something I did wrong, because it means I doubted you. But you know what, that’s bullshit, Valerie! Right now, you’re a goddamn freight train and I don’t know whether you’re coming or going. Either way, it feels like I’m going to get run over.”

He put the heels of his hands on his forehead, as if that could make his head stop spinning and keep the contents of his apartment from blowing to smithereens. Something was banging in the hallway. He didn’t know what.

He slapped the backs of his fingers into his palm. “You’re beautiful and smart and tough and funny… but you’re also the most complicated and delicate person I’ve ever met. So you need to know right now what I want? Fine. Then my answer is no. No, Valerie. Because even though I love you, there is something I need more… I need for you to figure out who you are. Who is Valerie when she’s not following orders? I was wrong to handcuff you to me when you were just figuring yourself out.”

He paced around the confined space. It was impossible to stand still. He knew how this would go. Valerie would storm out of the apartment convinced that he was an asshole, that he had done her wrong, that he’d never believed in her or understood her. It was all inaccurate and twisted, but there was nothing he could do to change it.

He wanted badly to be alone right now. To sweep out an arm and break everything in sight. To drink another bottle of vodka and pass out in the bath tub and risk drowning in his own puke. That was normal. So he said the mean thing, just to rip off the band-aid.

“Even if…” He swallowed and refused to look at her. “Even if I lose you, it’s better than putting my heart in your hands and watching you juggle with it.”

[valerie_vause]

Valerie lifted her chin. If he wanted to point then he could, she wasn’t about to stop him, his opinion and feelings always somehow came across as being more important than hers anyway. There was sensitive and there was condescending, he held a mix of both. Why should now be any different.

“So is everyone! At least I’m honest about mine. So go ahead, paint me as the monster that trampled on your heart. I’ll play the evil villain because the shoe fits right? But at the end of the day it was a thought. Everyone has them. Every couple at some point has a feeling they can’t control, that’s what makes it emotional not logical. You’re so blinded by the negative it’s like you want to see it more than anything else.”

Fingers uncurled, no longer clenched in fists as she took a breath, wiped the sticky crimson that her nails had evoked from her palms down the sides of her shirt and nodded. While he got everything off his chest she just breathed. Composed herself, because evidently he’d already catalogued her in his mind as the girl who broke his heart, like she was some complete and utter bitch out to destroy him intentionally.

“Freight train? Nice. Well you know what?” Green eyes narrowed, she fixed her cuffs, wet her lips. “I never tied you to the tracks, so no, I’m not going to run you over because I’m not a fucking train wreck. You’re acting like I slept with an entire football team but that’s fine, I’m the bad guy. I can actually live with that.”

Valerie stayed perfectly still as he paced. She’d shown enough weakness already by crying, she wasn’t going to show him how much this got to her. Whatever he expected, probably that she’d start screaming and acting like a freight train, well she wasn’t about to. He’d probably just label her ‘hysterical’ to go along with being some embodiment of a walking contradiction while filling the role of a train at the same time. God, she was talented. Which was great, it could be another disappointment added to his list of her contradictions. Heaven forbid someone in their early twenties have a moment of indecision.

“You know something, you’re right. I met you and forgot entirely who I really am. Now I remember. I know exactly who I am. Someone who follows orders. I’m not just a girl, I never will be. I’m a Slayer and it’s time I focused on that. It’s what I’m built for. It’s what I’m good at. I don’t juggle hearts Brian I stake them. I guess I staked yours too. Must be that killer instinct. Some things just stick, I guess.”

One hand slipped into her back pocket and took out a crumpled cheque for five thousand, she gazed at it for a moment, her expression softened as her head tilted to the side. It went blank before she walked towards him. Pressed it into his palm calmly. “That was the good news I’d wanted to share. You need it for buying protection. But that’s just my opinion do what you want with it. Feel free to rip it up or give it to charity or set fire to it. You do what you need to do, and so will I.”

She stepped back then, held his gaze. Valerie didn’t want the money back, it was barely anything compared to what her bank account held, but just because she’d been dumped didn’t mean she wanted to see him harmed in any way. Quite the opposite.

“Take care, Brian.”

Then she turned and headed to the door. Quietly grabbing the remains of her tie that she’d dropped on the floor. Emotions, she needed to rid herself of them before they consumed her like a stormy sea. He could think of her whatever way he wanted but she wasn’t about to start a massive scene or go toe to toe with him like it was war. Valerie was raised better than that. He made a choice; she respected it. There was nothing else to do.

[brian_campo]

Brian stayed in place. He listened to the door shut, and then he crouched in the middle of his room, balled his fists over his head, and yelled, “Fuuuuuuuuccck!” as loud as his lungs and throat could manage. That’s where he remained as the clock ticked one, two, ten minutes later. He rubbed his eyes. Never in his life had he met someone so hell-bent on seeing enemies everywhere. Valerie was separated from his reality, or he was separated from hers. Whatever.

The truth was that she didn’t get him. She saw aggression in everything, resentment and overreaction and judgment in everything. He wasn’t allowed to feel a damn thing. Well, he felt a lot. Valerie could’ve taken one hard look at Brian the day they met and known that.

He stood up and started walking. Grabbed his leather jacket, his keys and wallet, and a stake (he wasn’t making that mistake twice). He slammed the door, left the apartment building, and started walking. A water main burst in his wake.

Love.

What a joke.