Survivor's Remorse

[st_clare]

Boston, Massachusetts - 1978

There was a light rain falling on the cemetery, and that was fitting since the rain was where Allison had died. Black umbrellas were gathered near the gravesite, the pattering of water competing with the minister's speaking voice as he gave the final eulogy. Out of sight, two men waited with shovels to finish filling the hole with earth once the casket was lowered.

She'd been told, or rather 'advised', not to attend the funeral. That it would only prolong the emotional closeness, no matter how fleeting, that had been established. So she was here against orders, but she couldn't have stayed away.

The Slayer's parents were divorced, but they'd sat together in the pew at the church, and now they were huddled beneath the same umbrella. Julianna had tried to speak to them, to tell them that it was a beautiful service, but her guilt rivaled their shock and grief and she couldn't force the words out. The best she had been able to manage was to say a silent goodbye when attendees were asked if they wanted to pass by the coffin.

And to put the book in with the girl, the volume of Plato's works that Allison had been so fond of.

The rain picked up as the mourners began to depart for their cars, but Julianna remained, having hovered at the back of the gathering. It was unusually chilly for May. When the first shovelful of dirt struck the casket, she grabbed for Edmund's hand.

Comments

[birthright_npc]

Edmund was there, next to her, a solid form. He knew what role he would be performing here, and he squeezed Julianna's hand in return. The rain reminded him of home. "We'll be the last ones left," he spoke up. The earth soaked up most of the rain, but small puddles were beginning to form.

"You're getting lost inside your own head, I can tell." His free hand clutched the umbrella.

[st_clare]

"I don't care."

Julianna's voice was flat, but her fingers interlocked more tightly with the other Watcher's. She'd have come apart by now if it wasn't for Edmund, even though she didn't feel as if she deserved his comfort. If she had married him all those years ago when he asked, she might have been entitled to solace from him, but he wasn't her husband, he was simply her closest friend.

She dreaded returning to London, because he couldn't protect her there. There was going to be an official inquiry into her charge's death. She didn't know what she'd do if they fired her. But then again, she wasn't sure that wasn't what she deserved.

"They're going to sack me, you know."

[birthright_npc]

"No, they aren't."

His voice was gentle but certain. They couldn't. If there had been anyone more dedicated to the Council than Julianna, he hadn't met them. "The inquiry is a formality. You know that."

Edmund took a moment to gather his next words. "However, after it's finished, perhaps you should take a small hiatus. It would be good for you, Jules."

[st_clare]

"I'd go mad," she replied, watching the gravediggers work in the drizzle. "I need work to keep my sanity, even if it's just teaching. I've never been the sort to just sit around and do nothing."

The Council didn't provide psychological counseling in instances like this, but someone had given Julianna the card of a private therapist. She didn't like the idea of talking to a doctor, no matter how qualified. Mother would have called it a crutch.

"They should sack me. I...I killed her."

[birthright_npc]

Edmund sighed. He knew there was no convincing her, yet he still tried. Maybe he was as stubborn as she was. "You need work to forget. But Julianna, this isn't something you can just forget."

He gestured to the grave. "You think you killed this girl. We both know that isn't true. But I know you, and I know you'll make yourself believe that. Because no matter how horrible the thought, it gives you a sense of control."

"This was one instance where you had no control."

[st_clare]

"I killed her, Edmund. As surely as if I tore her throat out myself. She looked to me to teach her what she needed to know, and now she's dead. If it's not my fault, whose fault is it?"

The rain was beginning to make her cold, sapping the remaining heat out of Julianna's muscles. Was she wallowing unnecessarily, blaming herself when no one else did? Was she that in need of control? She had always structured her life in a certain way. And she was genuinely devastated over this particular death, sad and angry at the same time. How much of her guilt was based on something real? She couldn't let herself think about that.

"There was a book that she enjoyed, something I lent her," the Watcher said, keeping her grip on her old friend's hand. "The compiled works of Plato. It suited her sense of logic. I made sure she'd be buried with it."

At the grave, the hole was slowly being filled with wet earth, the shoveling made difficult by the rain. Julianna made a choked, broken noise as she watched them finish burying her. "I loved her..."

[birthright_npc]

"We need to get somewhere warm. Somewhere dry. You can't think straight here." Edmund's tone was without reproach or command.

"Whatever you do, Julianna, don't tell the Council what you just told me."

[st_clare]

Did he think she was insane? The Council really would sack her if she blubbered to them about her true feelings. As willing as she might be to be fired, she wasn't going to have it be because she was a weakling.

She allowed Edmund to lead her away because he'd requested it instead of ordering her. They'd shared his rental to get to the graveyard, and the female half of the pair slumped in the passenger seat as he started the engine. She wanted a drink, a brandy to make her warm. And then several gimlets.

If she ever came back here, Allison would be under the earth. If there was really a God, she was in His care. Julianna reached blindly for one of Edmund's hands.

"Can we..." She could barely say it, even to him, and she'd known him for a very long time. "Do we have to return to London immediately? The inquiry isn't for another fortnight. I'd like...I'd like to be alone with you."

[birthright_npc]

He turned the heat on in the car, and it didn't take long for the small space to warm up. "However long you need," he answered, and he meant it. Despite his assurances, part of him dreaded Julianna's return to London. It felt like the beginning of something dark.

Or maybe he was lonely, too.

"If you refuse to take a break, at least consider a reassignment."

[st_clare]

"I'll think about it."

The gravediggers were finished now. Julianna could see them hurrying to get out of the miserably wet weather. It would be summer soon.

She was still holding Edmund's hand, and she brought it to her mouth to kiss his knuckles. Then she released it, letting him put it back on the wheel. They would get a room at the Holiday Inn. They would order room service and some alcohol. They would not talk, at least not much. He would comfort her body, because God knew he couldn't comfort her spirit.

"I'm glad you're here. You're the only one who can remotely understand."

[birthright_npc]

Edmund remained silent, but he managed a smile. Few people ever saw this side of Julianna, but it was one of the many traits in her that he admired.

Eventually, she would have to face reality. But for now, he would try his best to help her forget.