Julianna’s words were both comforting and haunting. Sadness that she hadn’t expected crept into Valerie’s body and left it cold and stiff as she cleared her throat and continued to listen. In some ways she completely understood where the Watcher was coming from and honestly, admired the strength it took to hold onto the values she believed in. The other part of the blonde however, struggled with it the way she struggled with her own desires and though she loathed to accept it a few, silent, tears slipped down her cheek as she huffed out a breath.
“I know you’ll probably judge me for this but I…”
Where did she start? Brian. Everything started with him. How fitting that she believed it would end there too. Whether she liked to admit it or not she couldn’t deny the pang, the tug, of emotion that seared through her body just at the thought of him. Valerie would have rather died than admit how deeply it hurt to know she’d caused him heartache but she couldn’t hide it. Written all over her features like an open book for Julianna to read even if she’d blocked it intentionally from him.
“Brian made me want… More.”
She laughed then, the sound bitter and distraught to her own ears as she balled her fists and stuffed them into her pants pockets out of the way.
“Honestly it scared the fu-uh, hell, out of me because…” Valerie avoided the woman’s gaze, humiliated to even admit that she had the fantasy at all. “Because we live practically in Las Vegas where anyone and everyone could just get married at the drop of a hat and I…” She sighed, looked into the shadows for some sort of comfort and found nothing but darkness that she tried to pretend didn’t reflect her own being.
“I could get lost, so easily in the idea of being normal with him. He… I…” Valerie’s expression turned pained for entirely different reasons and she swallowed the lump in her throat. Julianna had witnessed the worst of her so far but could she grasp the rest?
The blonde didn’t want to hide behind her facade as she wet her lips and whispered quietly as she gazed at her own feet, “I let myself fantasize about being with him. Properly being with him, belonging to him… The house, the car, the children… And I know I can’t have that but with him I…” Choked laughter escaped and she gave Julianna a soft, pained look as she shrugged. “I wanted that more than I wanted to experience anything else but I can’t just tell him because it’s cruel. I can’t give him that no matter how much I want it to happen and saying so would just be horrible.”
Valerie brought both hands up to rub across her face before delving into her hair to tug.
“I know how foolish that is. How utterly stupid but, there were these moments when it made more sense than… Than anything else and I wish I could give him every part of me, but that would require him wanting me for all I am, flaws and all and since he doesn’t I… I have no right to want, to expect, another chance after destroying the first one.”
She sighed then, eyes burning with unshed tears as she tried to laugh. “Fate’s a bitch, but I wouldn’t give up my calling for anything in the world. Protecting people, I can do that, but letting them into my heart? Hurts more than I could ever manage. I still want to keep him safe, that will never change. Even if he thinks I have.”
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ninetydegrees
no subject
on 2013-12-31 06:41 am (UTC)“I know you’ll probably judge me for this but I…”
Where did she start? Brian. Everything started with him. How fitting that she believed it would end there too. Whether she liked to admit it or not she couldn’t deny the pang, the tug, of emotion that seared through her body just at the thought of him. Valerie would have rather died than admit how deeply it hurt to know she’d caused him heartache but she couldn’t hide it. Written all over her features like an open book for Julianna to read even if she’d blocked it intentionally from him.
“Brian made me want… More.”
She laughed then, the sound bitter and distraught to her own ears as she balled her fists and stuffed them into her pants pockets out of the way.
“Honestly it scared the fu-uh, hell, out of me because…” Valerie avoided the woman’s gaze, humiliated to even admit that she had the fantasy at all. “Because we live practically in Las Vegas where anyone and everyone could just get married at the drop of a hat and I…” She sighed, looked into the shadows for some sort of comfort and found nothing but darkness that she tried to pretend didn’t reflect her own being.
“I could get lost, so easily in the idea of being normal with him. He… I…” Valerie’s expression turned pained for entirely different reasons and she swallowed the lump in her throat. Julianna had witnessed the worst of her so far but could she grasp the rest?
The blonde didn’t want to hide behind her facade as she wet her lips and whispered quietly as she gazed at her own feet, “I let myself fantasize about being with him. Properly being with him, belonging to him… The house, the car, the children… And I know I can’t have that but with him I…” Choked laughter escaped and she gave Julianna a soft, pained look as she shrugged. “I wanted that more than I wanted to experience anything else but I can’t just tell him because it’s cruel. I can’t give him that no matter how much I want it to happen and saying so would just be horrible.”
Valerie brought both hands up to rub across her face before delving into her hair to tug.
“I know how foolish that is. How utterly stupid but, there were these moments when it made more sense than… Than anything else and I wish I could give him every part of me, but that would require him wanting me for all I am, flaws and all and since he doesn’t I… I have no right to want, to expect, another chance after destroying the first one.”
She sighed then, eyes burning with unshed tears as she tried to laugh. “Fate’s a bitch, but I wouldn’t give up my calling for anything in the world. Protecting people, I can do that, but letting them into my heart? Hurts more than I could ever manage. I still want to keep him safe, that will never change. Even if he thinks I have.”