A Burning Knot
Nov. 22nd, 2013 02:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brian_campo in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
birthright_rpgValerie,
Not knowing what’s going on with us is chewing me up. We haven’t talked for days and I know it’s my fault, too. Every time I pick up the phone, I get this burning knot in my guts. I’m scared I’ll call and you won’t answer, or worse, you’ll pick up and tell me not to bother you anymore. Then I turn into a giant chickenshit and put the phone back down. I don’t know how this stuff works. I can hear my dad in my head telling me to be a man. Do something. Since my mouth doesn’t always work right in front of you, I’m writing it out instead. We will see how it goes.
About what I said, that I was falling in love with you, I know I definitely should not have said it yet. I was high and what we were doing felt right, so the words flew out of my mouth. I’ve never had feelings this strong for a girl before. Is it love? I don’t know. I think so. How are you supposed to know for sure unless you let yourself feel it? Maybe I got carried away. I hurt really bad now, and that might be the strongest proof that I love you. Are you hurting? Are you so pissed off that you don’t hurt at all? If so, got any pointers?
I can’t say I’m sorry. I know I should, but I can’t, because I can’t figure out what I did wrong. I’m going through a lot. Between you and this thing – this ability – and finding out the world’s different than how I perceived it, everything’s insane. I’m dying to know more. So when I meet somebody who might be able to teach me something, I sap them for whatever knowledge I can. Maybe I should have told you what I knew faster. I saw you twice – once at my apartment and once the night of the fight – and both times I got caught up in how good it felt to just be around you, to just kiss you. I considered the things going on in our relationship to be more important than whatever junk I picked up from people. Plus, and I swear to God this is true, I didn’t think what I learned was that big a deal.
I have no idea how big a deal it is. I don’t have any perspective on it. It depends on how much else I don’t know, and I’m getting the feeling that’s a lot. I thought you’d be proud of me for learning, so I just blurted out whatever I could the minute the subject came up. It backfired. It freaked you out. I didn’t mean to. You have to know that.
If you’re not completely done with me, I need to ask you to be patient. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of a dumb ass. I’m lost in my head half the time, and the other half, I’m stoned or drunk or asleep. I told you one time that people think I’m a jerk. It’s not because I’m actually a jerk. It’s because I can’t figure out what to say or how to say it.
But if you don’t know that my intentions are good – that I’m exactly who I say I am and that you can trust me –there’s nothing I can do about that.
I’m just a guy, Valerie, and you’re just a girl. I fuck up. You fuck up, too.
If we’re done, just do me a favor and let me off the hook. I can take it. I will thank you for showing me I’m not some kind of freak. I’ll thank you for cluing me in that my heart works.
But if we’re not done, tell me that, too. Especially that. I’m too dense to figure it out on my own. There's this Chameleons song I've been listening to a lot, and when it gets to the last verse, I start thinking about you.
"It's like you fail to make the connection
You know how vital it is
Or when something slips through your fingers
You know how precious it is"
-Brian
Not knowing what’s going on with us is chewing me up. We haven’t talked for days and I know it’s my fault, too. Every time I pick up the phone, I get this burning knot in my guts. I’m scared I’ll call and you won’t answer, or worse, you’ll pick up and tell me not to bother you anymore. Then I turn into a giant chickenshit and put the phone back down. I don’t know how this stuff works. I can hear my dad in my head telling me to be a man. Do something. Since my mouth doesn’t always work right in front of you, I’m writing it out instead. We will see how it goes.
About what I said, that I was falling in love with you, I know I definitely should not have said it yet. I was high and what we were doing felt right, so the words flew out of my mouth. I’ve never had feelings this strong for a girl before. Is it love? I don’t know. I think so. How are you supposed to know for sure unless you let yourself feel it? Maybe I got carried away. I hurt really bad now, and that might be the strongest proof that I love you. Are you hurting? Are you so pissed off that you don’t hurt at all? If so, got any pointers?
I can’t say I’m sorry. I know I should, but I can’t, because I can’t figure out what I did wrong. I’m going through a lot. Between you and this thing – this ability – and finding out the world’s different than how I perceived it, everything’s insane. I’m dying to know more. So when I meet somebody who might be able to teach me something, I sap them for whatever knowledge I can. Maybe I should have told you what I knew faster. I saw you twice – once at my apartment and once the night of the fight – and both times I got caught up in how good it felt to just be around you, to just kiss you. I considered the things going on in our relationship to be more important than whatever junk I picked up from people. Plus, and I swear to God this is true, I didn’t think what I learned was that big a deal.
I have no idea how big a deal it is. I don’t have any perspective on it. It depends on how much else I don’t know, and I’m getting the feeling that’s a lot. I thought you’d be proud of me for learning, so I just blurted out whatever I could the minute the subject came up. It backfired. It freaked you out. I didn’t mean to. You have to know that.
If you’re not completely done with me, I need to ask you to be patient. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of a dumb ass. I’m lost in my head half the time, and the other half, I’m stoned or drunk or asleep. I told you one time that people think I’m a jerk. It’s not because I’m actually a jerk. It’s because I can’t figure out what to say or how to say it.
But if you don’t know that my intentions are good – that I’m exactly who I say I am and that you can trust me –there’s nothing I can do about that.
I’m just a guy, Valerie, and you’re just a girl. I fuck up. You fuck up, too.
If we’re done, just do me a favor and let me off the hook. I can take it. I will thank you for showing me I’m not some kind of freak. I’ll thank you for cluing me in that my heart works.
But if we’re not done, tell me that, too. Especially that. I’m too dense to figure it out on my own. There's this Chameleons song I've been listening to a lot, and when it gets to the last verse, I start thinking about you.
"It's like you fail to make the connection
You know how vital it is
Or when something slips through your fingers
You know how precious it is"
-Brian