The smile on her lips changed to an uncomfortable cringe at the compliment for trying to take steps she’d otherwise been resistant to grasp at previously. Truth be told she was embarrassed, mostly because she’d torched it quite brilliantly without much thought. Physical strength she had learned to control over time, emotional was a whole new ball game, disastrous really. It wasn’t that she couldn’t feel; it was when she did feel something it had the potential to consume logic. For someone who strived to keep her wits about her it was disconcerting to be out of her depths on such a level. Frustrating beyond belief, actually. Control was a way of life, she couldn’t control emotions, she couldn’t comprehend how to manage them at a functioning level the way everyone else apparently did with ease.
“I could be emotionally deficient. With a heavy dose of taking things too literally.”
Valerie shook her head, chewed on her lower lip and let out a slow breath as she listened to Julianna. Really listened because when it came to feelings, she clearly needed all the help she could get at understanding how to handle herself in such murky waters. “Oh, we set each other off.” The corners of the blonde’s lips twitched slightly. “I actually swore, nobody’s ever gotten that reaction before.”
On the surface that was bound to sound silly but it was only now that Valerie really thought about it. Certain parts of her might even appreciate it, not because she hurt him, but that he’d gotten under her skin enough to the point where she lost her senses. No, she wasn’t proud of it, nor did she want to repeat the performance. The fact that it happened though was a bit of an eye opener.
“We gave as good as we got, as far as verbal battles go, neither of us escaped unscathed and I’m not proud of that at all but in the heat of the moment I lost myself more than I’d like to admit.”
The blonde raised a hand to rub her face, took a moment to try and gather her thoughts as she frowned down at her feet like a child unsure of how to proceed as Julianna spoke. She’d taken a moment to look at him before leaving, trying to memories his features, taking stock of how how much she’d hurt him and the fight had drained from her. She didn’t want to hurt him further. She didn’t want to hurt him, period, but she had. Emotions were deadly.
“I think my problem is that… Before I met Brian, I’d accepted that I’d inevitably die young. I didn’t feel like I was missing out on much, I didn’t really care either truth be told because up until then my emotions never really… Engaged. They had no reason to really. Then all of a sudden I’m feeling things and I realise I’m never going to get to experience a full life. I’m never going to reach a stage where I wake up and look in the mirror and see a wrinkle on my face. I’m never going to have children, a wedding, a home filled with pets and friends and I… Panicked.”
Fingers gripped and twisted each other as Valerie shrugged, offering an almost sad smile before her gaze found her feet again and she let out a slight huff of breath.
“I never wanted to cause him pain. He’s kind and smart and deep and special…” Valerie smiled unwittingly then frowned. “And intense, and emotions are… Scary. I mean I’ve had them my whole life but once I was called I tampered them down, blocked them off and over time that was easy. That was normal. Then all of a sudden I’m feeling my time running out like death is following me with a stopwatch and I thought the best thing to do would be to force a lifetime of things I’d never get into as much time as I can manage before mine runs out.”
Valerie gazed at Julianna thoughtfully. After a second she gave a wry grin and almost laughed as she admitted, “I realise now that’s not the best plan of action. I’m not meant to experience a full life’s worth of experiences, trying is insane. I had to be honest, even if I was wrong, which you know, clearly I was and if I could take it back I would but I’m not going to force my insanity on him. He’s a good person, he deserves better than me. Someone he can have a proper life with, someone who can give him a long and full life filled with family and grandchildren.”
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ninetydegrees
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on 2013-12-30 03:36 am (UTC)“I could be emotionally deficient. With a heavy dose of taking things too literally.”
Valerie shook her head, chewed on her lower lip and let out a slow breath as she listened to Julianna. Really listened because when it came to feelings, she clearly needed all the help she could get at understanding how to handle herself in such murky waters. “Oh, we set each other off.” The corners of the blonde’s lips twitched slightly. “I actually swore, nobody’s ever gotten that reaction before.”
On the surface that was bound to sound silly but it was only now that Valerie really thought about it. Certain parts of her might even appreciate it, not because she hurt him, but that he’d gotten under her skin enough to the point where she lost her senses. No, she wasn’t proud of it, nor did she want to repeat the performance. The fact that it happened though was a bit of an eye opener.
“We gave as good as we got, as far as verbal battles go, neither of us escaped unscathed and I’m not proud of that at all but in the heat of the moment I lost myself more than I’d like to admit.”
The blonde raised a hand to rub her face, took a moment to try and gather her thoughts as she frowned down at her feet like a child unsure of how to proceed as Julianna spoke. She’d taken a moment to look at him before leaving, trying to memories his features, taking stock of how how much she’d hurt him and the fight had drained from her. She didn’t want to hurt him further. She didn’t want to hurt him, period, but she had. Emotions were deadly.
“I think my problem is that… Before I met Brian, I’d accepted that I’d inevitably die young. I didn’t feel like I was missing out on much, I didn’t really care either truth be told because up until then my emotions never really… Engaged. They had no reason to really. Then all of a sudden I’m feeling things and I realise I’m never going to get to experience a full life. I’m never going to reach a stage where I wake up and look in the mirror and see a wrinkle on my face. I’m never going to have children, a wedding, a home filled with pets and friends and I… Panicked.”
Fingers gripped and twisted each other as Valerie shrugged, offering an almost sad smile before her gaze found her feet again and she let out a slight huff of breath.
“I never wanted to cause him pain. He’s kind and smart and deep and special…” Valerie smiled unwittingly then frowned. “And intense, and emotions are… Scary. I mean I’ve had them my whole life but once I was called I tampered them down, blocked them off and over time that was easy. That was normal. Then all of a sudden I’m feeling my time running out like death is following me with a stopwatch and I thought the best thing to do would be to force a lifetime of things I’d never get into as much time as I can manage before mine runs out.”
Valerie gazed at Julianna thoughtfully. After a second she gave a wry grin and almost laughed as she admitted, “I realise now that’s not the best plan of action. I’m not meant to experience a full life’s worth of experiences, trying is insane. I had to be honest, even if I was wrong, which you know, clearly I was and if I could take it back I would but I’m not going to force my insanity on him. He’s a good person, he deserves better than me. Someone he can have a proper life with, someone who can give him a long and full life filled with family and grandchildren.”