Sacrifice. Valerie actually choked back a burst of laughter that sounded hollow, devoid of feeling. All she did was sacrifice for the sake of others. He had no idea how much. In the moment she thought it counted most to be honest, it still wasn’t enough. Nothing would ever be enough. If she wanted more it wasn’t fair, and if she only wanted him, it wasn’t fair. The blonde couldn’t win. Either way she lost him. Hope was a curious thing. Even in her darkest days she’d clung to it. Nestled it within herself like it was a dying ember that needed to be sheltered. Not once had she lost it.
Tears stopped. Some switch inside clicked to numb her emotions. No, not numb them, override them.
“Look on the bright side Brian, you’ll live a lot longer than me.”
Eighty. She’d be lucky if she made it to twenty three. She’d be delusional to think she’d reach thirty.
“You say that like I’ve felt like this way before but I haven’t. You were the first person I’ve ever opened up too, about everything, I even told a Watcher just so that I could protect you better. You were the first person I ever… I ever…” She shook her head. “That night on the roof, what we did, what I let you do, that was special. That was a huge deal to me. You’re the only person who has been… a part of me, like that. Do you understand? It wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t feel the way I do about you. Which I haven’t felt for anyone else, either.”
The urge to think it over from him was what did it. Extinguished the hope that she’d always carried. Whether he wanted to put it on her shoulders or not she’d told him the truth. It wasn’t a reflex. The fact that she ached so much validated that her feelings were true for him. Misguided desires aside, she had no intention of pursuing anyone. Desires be damned. Evidently they were hell in disguise.
“If we slow down any further... we’d go backwards.” Valerie’s words felt thick as she stood up. Put distance between them because she couldn’t bear him touching her when he didn’t even think she wanted to be with him. Like she’d just clung to him as a safety net. Valerie would rather plummet to the ground. She had exposed herself. Opened up about things that had clearly confused her. Desires were apparently alright for people who slept around and felt nothing for the other person. “I get it, it’s the gentle way to break up with me. I accept that. It’s only fair.” She wasn’t being sarcastic, she was being utterly serious.
Fingers twitched, her chest burned and she had to see the irony that while he was protecting his heart, she’d just handed hers to him and watched it break in half. She felt detached from herself. An outer body experience as it hit her. All this time she’d spent trying to convince herself that she was only in the process of falling for him when clearly she already had. She just hadn’t realised it until now. And she couldn’t say it because it would sound exactly as how he imagined her choosing him had. Some sort of verbal safety net. Well, she’d rather bite off her own tongue than have him think that.
“I can’t…” Valerie took a slow, regretfully stuttered, breath in and held it for a moment. “Do that.” The blonde couldn’t look at him, her head was spinning. “Be around you without being with you. I’ve shared too much of myself… I’d be vulnerable because of that, a constant reminder that you know me like nobody else does. Intimate details of my life…”
Valerie used her shirt to wipe her face. It didn’t matter how it looked. Nothing really mattered. “I’m not saying that to hurt you... or to force you into anything.” She blinked a few times, until her vision was clear, though her cheeks burned and her eyes still stung from earlier. When she spoke again her voice cracked and she hated herself for it. “I’ll always try and protect you but that… Would kill me inside, to act like friends, to pretend I’ve forgotten how I feel, what we’ve done. I couldn’t…”
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ninetydegrees
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on 2013-12-27 02:40 am (UTC)Tears stopped. Some switch inside clicked to numb her emotions. No, not numb them, override them.
“Look on the bright side Brian, you’ll live a lot longer than me.”
Eighty. She’d be lucky if she made it to twenty three. She’d be delusional to think she’d reach thirty.
“You say that like I’ve felt like this way before but I haven’t. You were the first person I’ve ever opened up too, about everything, I even told a Watcher just so that I could protect you better. You were the first person I ever… I ever…” She shook her head. “That night on the roof, what we did, what I let you do, that was special. That was a huge deal to me. You’re the only person who has been… a part of me, like that. Do you understand? It wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t feel the way I do about you. Which I haven’t felt for anyone else, either.”
The urge to think it over from him was what did it. Extinguished the hope that she’d always carried. Whether he wanted to put it on her shoulders or not she’d told him the truth. It wasn’t a reflex. The fact that she ached so much validated that her feelings were true for him. Misguided desires aside, she had no intention of pursuing anyone. Desires be damned. Evidently they were hell in disguise.
“If we slow down any further... we’d go backwards.” Valerie’s words felt thick as she stood up. Put distance between them because she couldn’t bear him touching her when he didn’t even think she wanted to be with him. Like she’d just clung to him as a safety net. Valerie would rather plummet to the ground. She had exposed herself. Opened up about things that had clearly confused her. Desires were apparently alright for people who slept around and felt nothing for the other person. “I get it, it’s the gentle way to break up with me. I accept that. It’s only fair.” She wasn’t being sarcastic, she was being utterly serious.
Fingers twitched, her chest burned and she had to see the irony that while he was protecting his heart, she’d just handed hers to him and watched it break in half. She felt detached from herself. An outer body experience as it hit her. All this time she’d spent trying to convince herself that she was only in the process of falling for him when clearly she already had. She just hadn’t realised it until now. And she couldn’t say it because it would sound exactly as how he imagined her choosing him had. Some sort of verbal safety net. Well, she’d rather bite off her own tongue than have him think that.
“I can’t…” Valerie took a slow, regretfully stuttered, breath in and held it for a moment. “Do that.” The blonde couldn’t look at him, her head was spinning. “Be around you without being with you. I’ve shared too much of myself… I’d be vulnerable because of that, a constant reminder that you know me like nobody else does. Intimate details of my life…”
Valerie used her shirt to wipe her face. It didn’t matter how it looked. Nothing really mattered. “I’m not saying that to hurt you... or to force you into anything.” She blinked a few times, until her vision was clear, though her cheeks burned and her eyes still stung from earlier. When she spoke again her voice cracked and she hated herself for it. “I’ll always try and protect you but that… Would kill me inside, to act like friends, to pretend I’ve forgotten how I feel, what we’ve done. I couldn’t…”