Upside Down

[valerie_vause]

Brian,

I’ve read your letter twice. I’ve stared at this blank paper far longer than I want to admit because I’ve never been a big letter writer. Actually I actively avoid it. Maybe I find it daunting. The written word holds a permanence that the spoken lack. I feel like the paper is taunting me. Daring me to spill my soul. So maybe I will. I should start by saying I have no pointers to give, I’m not angry. I do hurt, but I guess I lose myself in classes during the day and patrol during the night. Focus might not be quite as easy as usual, even though the ache fades it remains.

When you said you loved me…

I’m not going to lie, it completely threw me. I mean that was our third date. Don’t get me wrong, I really really like you. It was just something I never imagined to hear, especially quite so soon in the relationship.

I fear I’m not very good with hearts. I spend most nights sticking wood through them regularly. I know you didn’t intend for it but it felt like responsibility to know that I held yours in my hands. I’m not experienced with relationships. Not just ours, but friendships, connections with people on a deeper level in general. I don’t know the right way to do things in them. All I know, is that I don’t want to bruise or damage your heart. I want more than anything to keep it protected. Untainted by the darkness I surround myself with.

I was ready to tell you on my own terms what I was that night and then it turned out you already knew. I can’t express the shock other than it was like being hit by lightening. My entire adult life I have been so painfully, meticulously, careful to keep my life secret to the point of personal isolation. So when you said a civilian told you this stuff and then said the S word, my mind threatened to implode. What happened to the Council’s secrecy? If they’re running around telling people then why are we meant to keep our mouths shut? Why am I meant to exist silently, like a shadow of a person, if Watcher’s are openly discussing things in front of people? My entire world flipped upside down.

I’m not blaming you for that and I believe you when you say you had no idea it was a big deal. I can even see why you’d think that, sort of, what with people talking about things they shouldn’t have been in public. I mean that’s training 101, secrecy is safety. I needed time and space to myself so I could process and come to terms with it. I’m not going to apologise for that. If anything you probably understand better than anyone after the first time we met at the diner.

For the record I am proud of you. What you managed to do with the pick completely blew my mind. I want to be clear though, while I think it’s great that you’re meeting people and getting information, you need to be really careful. Not every friendly face is a friendly face. Some humans work for things that would make your skin crawl off. Some humans aren’t fully human, and some might be a facade entirely. Not to say every demon is evil, there are plenty good out there too. I’m never going to ask you to change who you are because who you are I adore, all I ask is that you be careful. The grapevine that connects to the demon world can be surprising.

I can be patient if you can be open minded. There’s a ton of things that exist on this planet, not to mention other dimensions. I want to tell you all about them but I don’t want you to think I’m just dumping information on you.

I know it’s a lot to take in but try to remember, if I didn’t want to be with you, I wouldn’t want to fill you in at all. Not even a little bit.

There’s more I want to tell you but I don’t want to discuss it on paper.

That and the serious tone of the letter is heavy and I’d rather end it on a light note. So, lets just say I had a very interesting conversation with someone a few days ago and I want to talk to you about it.

If you want, the next time you’re free we could meet up? I’d suggest a day but I don’t know when you work or practice with your band. My weekdays are pretty much the same as every other student so let me know? And I’ll be there.

~ Valerie