No Light

[valerie_vause]

Coins clinked as they were slid into the payphone by the side of the road. The phone cradled tightly against an ear as the ring echoed down the line. She wiped her eyes with the back of a hand. A frayed picture clutched in it, the corners faded and worn away from use. A single digit traced the woman’s face as the call got answered.

A cheerful, gruff voice responded. “Hello?”

“... Dad?” She sniffled. Cautious, tentative.

“Valerie?” The tone was shocked. A moment of stunned silence.

“Yeah, I really… I wanted to hear your voi-”

“What are you doing?” He cut her off, no more cheer carried down the line.

“I wanted to talk. We haven’t spoken sin-”

“And whose fault was that? Your own mother!” It was a bark of anger.

She recoiled, hot tears scalded her cheeks, voice meek as she whispered, “Daddy please… it’s the Holiday season and I, I really need y-”

“She’d still be here if it wasn’t for you. You’re own family! Now all I have is ashes.” The accusation pure venom.

“She…” The words stuck in her throat as she stared at the photograph. “She wasn’t mom anymore, you know that.”

“You did that to her! You couldn’t protect her, it’s your fault she’s gone.”

“Daddy please…” She choked on a sob. “Don’t say that, I tried! You know I tr-”

“It should have been you. That’s who they came for.” The cold tone was firm, resolute.

“I’m sorry! I miss her so much, everyday, and I miss-” The line went dead. “You.”

The call had been five hours ago after she’d left Brian’s apartment and it had gotten dark. Valerie had been walking for miles, she didn’t actually know where she was; hadn’t paid attention. It had seemed irrelevant. Twice she’d encountered vampires. One by itself that had practically landed on her before she turned it to dust. Then three later on. The fight had lasted a while, it gave her a reprieve of emotions, let her be hollow where the only pain she felt was physical. Now, she trudged through a run down area, derelict buildings loomed menacingly on either side, looking for more. The toe of her shoe hit an empty bottle and she reached over, picked it up. As if in a trance she clutched the neck and smashed it against the wall. Watched the way it split skin as she dragged it up her left arm. In the dark, blood looked like ink. If anything was near, they’d smell it, they’d come out to play.

“Come get me.” She whispered, leaving behind the smallest trail of drips as she walked. “I’m ready.”

[Thread Open To Anyone]

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[st_clare]

"Shush. You've done nothing that warrants an apology. I'm not going to tell on you."

Julianna didn't have a tissue in her pocket, so she leaned into the car and found a box of Kleenex in the glove compartment. She handed the cardboard container to Valerie without quite making eye contact, giving the blonde time to compose herself. Across the street, a street lamp feebly flickered on and off. The neighborhood no longer worried the Watcher.

"For so long, I believed that Slayers should be separate," she said, still studying the struggling glow of the lamp post. "Different, apart from the rest of the world. I knew that girls died, and I came to terms with it because in the field anything can happen. Then Allison died, and now I don't know what I believe. It's good, necessary work the Council does. Vital work. But I don't know if I can reconcile the cost now."

Even as she said it, she was terrified. She considered being a Watcher not just a career but a calling, the purpose she was meant to serve. She had other things in her life, of course, things she enjoyed, but serving the Council was different. Julianna looked at Valerie out of the corner of her eye.

"It's probably terribly arrogant of me, but I reached out to you because I believe I can still be good for something. And I see the good in you, the wonderful things you're capable of. Even without Slaying."

She was looking away again, studying the dilapidated buildings around them. She knew how it felt to feel responsible for something terrible, even when it wasn't logical. Emotions were cruel beasts.

"Put your mother to rest, Valerie. Don't be like me, clinging to the past because you don't know if you can function without the guilt. Forgive yourself."

[valerie_vause]

“Thank you, Julianna.”

It went beyond the acceptance of the tissues. Even the slight distance the woman gave her was appreciated, seen for what it was. The chance to pull herself together without adding the worry of humiliating herself further into the mix. Subtle, yet powerful. Valerie doubted there were many Watcher’s out there like the woman and for a moment it struck her how better off they would all probably be if there were. Small things said or done at the right time had the potential to shape things in such a larger way. Like watering an acorn. She wiped her face and blew her nose before handing the box back with a tentative smile as she listened.

“Maybe we should.” The blonde replied softly, careful not make light of the death of a girl. A girl whose very death had brought about her own calling. For a second she fell silent, mourning someone she didn’t know and would never have had the opportunity to meet, despite their fates being linked. “I believe in the work we do. Very much, but trying to fit in… Out there?” She waved a hand dismissively towards the empty street. “I tried and failed spectacularly. Maybe it’s just me, I don’t really think I belong, you know, to mingle and have people in my life. I don’t really understand how to function emotionally in that sort of environment after years of being apart from it. Not really equipped to deal with feelings but point me in the direction of demons and carnage and I’m like a duck to water.”

Valerie glanced at Julianna and pressed her lips together before looking off into the night. Perhaps shock at the elders words evoked the sudden scoff but she reddened and cleared her throat, desperate to explain. “Nothing you said was funny and you aren’t arrogant for reaching out, I’m actually quite grateful that you did. More than I think I imagined I ever would be.” The blonde actually smiled, small but genuine. “But the idea that I could be capable of anything wonderful is, I don’t know, over my head I guess. Not amusing just… Odd.”

Julianna’s next words were hard to swallow because of the truth they held. They weighed down on her until they eventually sunk in and the blonde gave them a moment to resonate within her. “I’d buried it, somewhere inside me where I couldn’t touch it. Where it couldn’t touch me. Calling my father had been a mistake, a foible, but that’s natural, reaching for a parent in a moment of pain. It dragged it all back to the surface.”

Now she found herself reaching out, clasping her hand around Julianna’s upper arm to give a gentle squeeze. Hopefully it granted some comfort, it had been the intention, because the woman didn’t have to share those things with her and now that she had Valerie wanted to mitigate the pain caused. She attempted to meet the woman’s gaze as she breathed softly.

“Forgiveness is easier when it’s directed towards other people. Maybe we should both try to learn to forgive ourselves, because while the past can’t be changed it shapes us, but maybe we don’t need to let it dominate us too.”

The smile she gave was tentative as she took her hand back. She knew it was easier said than done.

[st_clare]

It was like catharsis, just talking about it. As with Valerie's arm, she was trying to clean the wound so she could bandage it and let it heal properly. Seven years could feel like a very long time, even at her age. Julianna inclined her head a fraction at the touch of Valerie's hand.

"I do applaud you for trying to change the way you were doing things," she said once the hand had stopped making contact. "It's not just your situation that requires bravery, it's life itself. Being disappointed because things don't work out the way they should have can slow anyone up, but regret at not even trying is a heavier burden."

The dread had subsided, turned into something a little more positive. The Watcher scratched a spot on her upper arm absently. Somewhere in the gloom, a stray dog nosed open a discarded pizza box and found a crust left over from someone's dinner.

"As for Brian..."

Julianna made a diplomatic noise. She wasn't going to excoriate the musician because it wasn't her place, and it sounded as if his sensitivity had triggered Valerie's uncertainty about having a life outside of Slaying, but she'd had a fair amount of experience with relationships with the opposite sex. The older woman smiled ruefully.

"Men's feelings can be surprisingly delicate, much more than most women would think.I don't know what happened because I wasn't there. Sometimes people feed off of each other when they're upset. You say one thing, he says another, and the next thing you know the neighbors are banging on the wall because of all the yelling."

She tried for humor when she said it, even risking a smile, but her expression was kind. "I spoke with him recently, and he specifically said that he 'hopes he's good for you'. I can't speak to your desire to possibly see a girl as well. You should be allowed to explore whatever feelings you have. Sometimes people react badly to the idea of a non-exclusive relationship."

Twenty years ago, she probably wouldn't have given the same answer. She'd only become truly liberal about sex and love once she was past middle age, the reverse of what might have been expected. She might only be able to counsel Valerie to a point regarding the subject since she'd never experimented with other women herself, but Valerie's feelings were clearly more unpredictable.

"It might not be too late. As you said, you respect the decision he made. But if he made it when he was hurt and angry, perhaps he'll change his mind once he calms down."

[valerie_vause]

The smile on her lips changed to an uncomfortable cringe at the compliment for trying to take steps she’d otherwise been resistant to grasp at previously. Truth be told she was embarrassed, mostly because she’d torched it quite brilliantly without much thought. Physical strength she had learned to control over time, emotional was a whole new ball game, disastrous really. It wasn’t that she couldn’t feel; it was when she did feel something it had the potential to consume logic. For someone who strived to keep her wits about her it was disconcerting to be out of her depths on such a level. Frustrating beyond belief, actually. Control was a way of life, she couldn’t control emotions, she couldn’t comprehend how to manage them at a functioning level the way everyone else apparently did with ease.

“I could be emotionally deficient. With a heavy dose of taking things too literally.”

Valerie shook her head, chewed on her lower lip and let out a slow breath as she listened to Julianna. Really listened because when it came to feelings, she clearly needed all the help she could get at understanding how to handle herself in such murky waters. “Oh, we set each other off.” The corners of the blonde’s lips twitched slightly. “I actually swore, nobody’s ever gotten that reaction before.”

On the surface that was bound to sound silly but it was only now that Valerie really thought about it. Certain parts of her might even appreciate it, not because she hurt him, but that he’d gotten under her skin enough to the point where she lost her senses. No, she wasn’t proud of it, nor did she want to repeat the performance. The fact that it happened though was a bit of an eye opener.

“We gave as good as we got, as far as verbal battles go, neither of us escaped unscathed and I’m not proud of that at all but in the heat of the moment I lost myself more than I’d like to admit.”

The blonde raised a hand to rub her face, took a moment to try and gather her thoughts as she frowned down at her feet like a child unsure of how to proceed as Julianna spoke. She’d taken a moment to look at him before leaving, trying to memories his features, taking stock of how how much she’d hurt him and the fight had drained from her. She didn’t want to hurt him further. She didn’t want to hurt him, period, but she had. Emotions were deadly.

“I think my problem is that… Before I met Brian, I’d accepted that I’d inevitably die young. I didn’t feel like I was missing out on much, I didn’t really care either truth be told because up until then my emotions never really… Engaged. They had no reason to really. Then all of a sudden I’m feeling things and I realise I’m never going to get to experience a full life. I’m never going to reach a stage where I wake up and look in the mirror and see a wrinkle on my face. I’m never going to have children, a wedding, a home filled with pets and friends and I… Panicked.”

Fingers gripped and twisted each other as Valerie shrugged, offering an almost sad smile before her gaze found her feet again and she let out a slight huff of breath.

“I never wanted to cause him pain. He’s kind and smart and deep and special…” Valerie smiled unwittingly then frowned. “And intense, and emotions are… Scary. I mean I’ve had them my whole life but once I was called I tampered them down, blocked them off and over time that was easy. That was normal. Then all of a sudden I’m feeling my time running out like death is following me with a stopwatch and I thought the best thing to do would be to force a lifetime of things I’d never get into as much time as I can manage before mine runs out.”

Valerie gazed at Julianna thoughtfully. After a second she gave a wry grin and almost laughed as she admitted, “I realise now that’s not the best plan of action. I’m not meant to experience a full life’s worth of experiences, trying is insane. I had to be honest, even if I was wrong, which you know, clearly I was and if I could take it back I would but I’m not going to force my insanity on him. He’s a good person, he deserves better than me. Someone he can have a proper life with, someone who can give him a long and full life filled with family and grandchildren.”

[st_clare]

Julianna was just listening, but the fatalism in Valerie's words had her dismayed. Was it that sense of hopelessness in the blonde that had caused Elfleda to approach her. If she'd been burying the memories about her mother's death, a being like the Corruptress would find her a perfect target. The Watcher's spine stiffened. She must be very careful now.

"I was almost engaged once," she told the Slayer, holding up her ringless left hand for inspection. "It was years ago, when I was much younger. His name was Edmund, and we met when we were at university. We became heavily involved, and for a time we were positively mad for one another."

She was smiling with fondness as she spoke, the old memory a respite from the coldness of the previous topic. Her other hand rubbed the back of her beck. Her fingers pulled lightly at the ends of her hair.

"As ridiculous as it sounds, no one was more surprised than I was when he proposed. We'd never spoken of marriage, even though it was the accepted thing at the time. People did not live together outside of wedlock in my day, not if you didn't want to be considered beneath contempt. It's one change about the world I'm happy with."

She looked at Valerie, meeting her eyes deliberately. It was always best to be frank. "He gave me some time to think it over, and I finally told him that while I loved him and loved our relationship the way it was, I was never going to be anyone's wife. I didn't want a husband or children and I'd made that decision before we met. But I never told him because I didn't think I'd ever need to."

Julianna smile dimmed, and she looked down at her hands to inspect the backs of them. "I was sorry that I'd hurt him. I told him that if the way things were wasn't enough for him then I'd understand. He took the ring back and we never spoke of it again. In fact, we hardly spoke at all for the next six months after that."

Julianna lifted her shoulders in an elegant shrug. "Edmund married someone else. I bought a gift and attended his wedding. I was sorry to lose what we'd had, but I knew that if he waited for me to change my mind he'd be hanging onto false hope. I didn't want to do that to him."

A long sigh escaped the Watcher's mouth. "We still...well...certain aspects of the relationship resumed once he was no longer married, and we work together when we can. I regret the pain I caused him all those years ago, but I wouldn't have subjected him to a lifetime of unhappiness because I married him when I didn't want to."

Julianna was watching Valerie's face now, and she iifted one hand. "However. I didn't say no to his proposal because I was afraid of the future. I was certain that I would have a good, long life the way Mother did. Being positive is what keeps us alive."

She let that sink in for a moment, then hesitantly touched the Slayer's shoulder. "If you're afraid, that's understandable. No one can predict what will happen, not really. But don't give up on living just yet. Not for Brian, but for yourself. Nothing's over yet, Valerie."