He shook his head. Standing in the middle of his bedroom – a place he’d imagined taking her a hundred-thousand times – he was struck now by how awful this felt. How wrong it felt, like salt being rubbed in an open wound. Brian didn’t know how to back out and gain perspective, or how to feel, or what to say. He knew one thing: how hard he’d been trying to stay calm and be kind to her, and how it was now blowing up in his face.
“You—” He pointed at her. “You are full of contradictions! Less than an hour ago, you wanted me and a girl, then you wanted me plus a girl, now you just want me… so I offer you a chance to take time out and sort through your sexuality, and it’s some kind of sin. Something I did wrong, because it means I doubted you. But you know what, that’s bullshit, Valerie! Right now, you’re a goddamn freight train and I don’t know whether you’re coming or going. Either way, it feels like I’m going to get run over.”
He put the heels of his hands on his forehead, as if that could make his head stop spinning and keep the contents of his apartment from blowing to smithereens. Something was banging in the hallway. He didn’t know what.
He slapped the backs of his fingers into his palm. “You’re beautiful and smart and tough and funny… but you’re also the most complicated and delicate person I’ve ever met. So you need to know right now what I want? Fine. Then my answer is no. No, Valerie. Because even though I love you, there is something I need more… I need for you to figure out who you are. Who is Valerie when she’s not following orders? I was wrong to handcuff you to me when you were just figuring yourself out.”
He paced around the confined space. It was impossible to stand still. He knew how this would go. Valerie would storm out of the apartment convinced that he was an asshole, that he had done her wrong, that he’d never believed in her or understood her. It was all inaccurate and twisted, but there was nothing he could do to change it.
He wanted badly to be alone right now. To sweep out an arm and break everything in sight. To drink another bottle of vodka and pass out in the bath tub and risk drowning in his own puke. That was normal. So he said the mean thing, just to rip off the band-aid.
“Even if…” He swallowed and refused to look at her. “Even if I lose you, it’s better than putting my heart in your hands and watching you juggle with it.”
no subject
“You—” He pointed at her. “You are full of contradictions! Less than an hour ago, you wanted me and a girl, then you wanted me plus a girl, now you just want me… so I offer you a chance to take time out and sort through your sexuality, and it’s some kind of sin. Something I did wrong, because it means I doubted you. But you know what, that’s bullshit, Valerie! Right now, you’re a goddamn freight train and I don’t know whether you’re coming or going. Either way, it feels like I’m going to get run over.”
He put the heels of his hands on his forehead, as if that could make his head stop spinning and keep the contents of his apartment from blowing to smithereens. Something was banging in the hallway. He didn’t know what.
He slapped the backs of his fingers into his palm. “You’re beautiful and smart and tough and funny… but you’re also the most complicated and delicate person I’ve ever met. So you need to know right now what I want? Fine. Then my answer is no. No, Valerie. Because even though I love you, there is something I need more… I need for you to figure out who you are. Who is Valerie when she’s not following orders? I was wrong to handcuff you to me when you were just figuring yourself out.”
He paced around the confined space. It was impossible to stand still. He knew how this would go. Valerie would storm out of the apartment convinced that he was an asshole, that he had done her wrong, that he’d never believed in her or understood her. It was all inaccurate and twisted, but there was nothing he could do to change it.
He wanted badly to be alone right now. To sweep out an arm and break everything in sight. To drink another bottle of vodka and pass out in the bath tub and risk drowning in his own puke. That was normal. So he said the mean thing, just to rip off the band-aid.
“Even if…” He swallowed and refused to look at her. “Even if I lose you, it’s better than putting my heart in your hands and watching you juggle with it.”