In the back of her mind Valerie waited to hear the sounds of something exploding. Emotional things tended to set Brian’s power off, but there was nothing. Which could either be good or very bad, depending on how you looked at it. In the silence of the room her stuttered breath sounded foreign. Were there demons out there that could reverse time? Back to when she first stepped out of the bank. Where she could stop herself from doing what she did by crossing the street. Walk off like a normal person, the opposite way.
The vodka was barely noticed when he walked back in because like a child that had done wrong she lowered her head and pressed her lips together to stop the sniffling. Then it was there, being offered, and she felt compelled to take it because he cared enough to want to hand it to her. Alcohol perhaps wasn’t the best solution but she gulped at it a few times before handing it back. Oh it scorched going down but she’d needed it.
Valerie listened even though her gaze was firmly on the edge of the table. Not mad was… Was a good thing, right? Better than an argument, because at least they were trying to communicate and that had to count for something, didn’t it? She wasn’t heartless, she just struggled with restraints, be they physical, mental, or socially constructed. Invisible cages. The blonde was so sick of being stuck in them. She didn’t think it made her a freak or anything nasty. If you couldn’t be true to yourself what was the point?
“I don’t.” Valerie blurted, then cringed. “Not really.” She sighed, frowned and amended, “Not consciously.” The words were hushed, a ghost of a whisper as she admitted, “There are occasional dreams but I can’t control them.” Instantly she thought of Elfleda or rather, her Beth persona, and cringed again. No, she couldn’t explain them even to herself. Would quite like them to stop, actually, because they just left her restless and unsettled in her own skin. Sort of how she felt right now. Actually now that she thought about it, the restless feeling had only started after that encounter with her. Perplexing.
Sex.
It was such a confusing topic.
Two people today had shared the view that casual sex, the kind that somehow meant nothing, was alright. Valerie couldn’t wrap her mind around that. Literally couldn’t understand how you could be so utterly physically intimate with someone and feel nothing for them. Which actually poked a hole in her own compromised suggestion but still. How did two, or more, people get naked, get inside one another and not have an emotional connection? It seemed so… Devoid. Soulless. Valerie didn’t judge those who could, she just couldn’t comprehend how they did it. For her, she needed the emotions, the connection, the build up to the act so that when it happened it would be incredibly personal, which, she considered all sex was. Incredibly personal. How could it not be? How could you detach your feelings from such a vulnerable, personal, thing? You couldn’t get more intimate than that.
“You’re right, I don’t think…” Valerie wasn’t a naturally jealous person but now that Brian had said it she had to agree. Imagining seeing him enjoy himself with someone other than her would be like ripping her own heart out just to see if it would still beat. Silent tears leaked down her cheeks and she ignored them. “I couldn’t watch you with… I… That’s not… Something I think I’d handle very well.”
It was also why she never dwelled long on his past encounters. In part, they may have been a reason as to why they hadn’t slept together yet. What if she wasn’t as good as all those other girls? What if they did things she didn’t even know how to spell? Insecurities joined the mix of emotions and she let out a choked sob before she realised it. Her inexperience felt like it was drowning her while mocking her in the process.
Which meant, any kind of compromise would have to be from her. Brian couldn’t meet her halfway, and after the picture he’d painted she clearly couldn’t expect him too without being a hypocrite. There was no halfway. It hurt too much to consider it now that it was all out in the open like she’d flayed herself and him in the process. While she didn’t feel ashamed, she did feel so very foolish. So that left them both with one option each. He could break things off, or…
“I choose you.”
The words were soft, the tremble in her voice was matched by her hands as she sank to her knees in front of him to cup his face. Thumbs brushed the side of his cheeks, coaxed him to look at her as she pleaded with her gaze. “I want you.” She whispered fiercely, the tone vindicated. “More than I ever want to experience anything else. I know that now. I feel it. Or this wouldn’t hurt so much. I’m yours. If you…” She blinked back tears, fought the lump in her throat, “If you still want me.”
no subject
The vodka was barely noticed when he walked back in because like a child that had done wrong she lowered her head and pressed her lips together to stop the sniffling. Then it was there, being offered, and she felt compelled to take it because he cared enough to want to hand it to her. Alcohol perhaps wasn’t the best solution but she gulped at it a few times before handing it back. Oh it scorched going down but she’d needed it.
Valerie listened even though her gaze was firmly on the edge of the table. Not mad was… Was a good thing, right? Better than an argument, because at least they were trying to communicate and that had to count for something, didn’t it? She wasn’t heartless, she just struggled with restraints, be they physical, mental, or socially constructed. Invisible cages. The blonde was so sick of being stuck in them. She didn’t think it made her a freak or anything nasty. If you couldn’t be true to yourself what was the point?
“I don’t.” Valerie blurted, then cringed. “Not really.” She sighed, frowned and amended, “Not consciously.” The words were hushed, a ghost of a whisper as she admitted, “There are occasional dreams but I can’t control them.” Instantly she thought of Elfleda or rather, her Beth persona, and cringed again. No, she couldn’t explain them even to herself. Would quite like them to stop, actually, because they just left her restless and unsettled in her own skin. Sort of how she felt right now. Actually now that she thought about it, the restless feeling had only started after that encounter with her. Perplexing.
Sex.
It was such a confusing topic.
Two people today had shared the view that casual sex, the kind that somehow meant nothing, was alright. Valerie couldn’t wrap her mind around that. Literally couldn’t understand how you could be so utterly physically intimate with someone and feel nothing for them. Which actually poked a hole in her own compromised suggestion but still. How did two, or more, people get naked, get inside one another and not have an emotional connection? It seemed so… Devoid. Soulless. Valerie didn’t judge those who could, she just couldn’t comprehend how they did it. For her, she needed the emotions, the connection, the build up to the act so that when it happened it would be incredibly personal, which, she considered all sex was. Incredibly personal. How could it not be? How could you detach your feelings from such a vulnerable, personal, thing? You couldn’t get more intimate than that.
“You’re right, I don’t think…” Valerie wasn’t a naturally jealous person but now that Brian had said it she had to agree. Imagining seeing him enjoy himself with someone other than her would be like ripping her own heart out just to see if it would still beat. Silent tears leaked down her cheeks and she ignored them. “I couldn’t watch you with… I… That’s not… Something I think I’d handle very well.”
It was also why she never dwelled long on his past encounters. In part, they may have been a reason as to why they hadn’t slept together yet. What if she wasn’t as good as all those other girls? What if they did things she didn’t even know how to spell? Insecurities joined the mix of emotions and she let out a choked sob before she realised it. Her inexperience felt like it was drowning her while mocking her in the process.
Which meant, any kind of compromise would have to be from her. Brian couldn’t meet her halfway, and after the picture he’d painted she clearly couldn’t expect him too without being a hypocrite. There was no halfway. It hurt too much to consider it now that it was all out in the open like she’d flayed herself and him in the process. While she didn’t feel ashamed, she did feel so very foolish. So that left them both with one option each. He could break things off, or…
“I choose you.”
The words were soft, the tremble in her voice was matched by her hands as she sank to her knees in front of him to cup his face. Thumbs brushed the side of his cheeks, coaxed him to look at her as she pleaded with her gaze. “I want you.” She whispered fiercely, the tone vindicated. “More than I ever want to experience anything else. I know that now. I feel it. Or this wouldn’t hurt so much. I’m yours. If you…” She blinked back tears, fought the lump in her throat, “If you still want me.”